31 – Because I’m ‘Just’ a Woman?

Please note: This is Ep.31

Please go here for Ep.30

Or here to begin at Episode 1

(As everything I write is true, some names have been changed to protect identities.) 

31

Because I’m ‘Just’ a Woman?

2000

February 13th: I’m in India. I got the all-clear from the surgeon to travel, and now I’m at an Ayurvedic hospital in the Maharashtrian countryside, recommended by my mother’s friends. I’m doing a month-long treatment called Panchakarma.

The Ayurvedic doctor tells me to stop the hormone tablets I’m on, and, along with my therapies, gives me ghee, oils and medicines made from all kinds of gifts from Mother Nature to consume and apply on myself, including cow pat. Yes, actual cow poop.

And because of the cow’s urine tonic I drink in the mornings (yes, I willingly drank cow pee), I get smelly burps throughout the day that taste like the smell of the cowshed behind the hospital. This is for my family, mind over matter, I tell myself and down it. I’ll do anything to be well and have another baby. I really want Jai to have a sibling.

Here, alone, I miss Jai and my husband so much. When I want to talk to them, I walk into the village nearby, to the public phone booth (well, it’s a hut) where you can make local and international calls. There isn’t much privacy and their opening hours are restricted, but it’s my only option. 

February 14th: It’s Valentine’s Day and my 2nd wedding anniversary.

A driver arrived at the Ayurvedic hospital today. He drove all the way from Mumbai, four hours away, and brought a red rose for me. Maanav is so sweet. Even though he’s in London, he remembered to make it special. I love him so much. I wish we could be together today but I have to be here for a month at least.

I try to enjoy the time I have to myself here. I’m discovering more about yoga, chakras, chanting, meditation, and natural health through my daily sessions.

March 26th: I’m feeling much better. 

After my trip to India, I’ve become fascinated with natural health remedies and therapies. I recently had some Shiatsu sessions in London and loved them so much that I’ve enrolled on a three-year Shiatsu course to become a practitioner. I feel like I’ve decided upon my life’s purpose: to help other people feel better too.

I still have some slight pain but it’s manageable without painkillers, and for now, as advised, I’m not focusing on getting pregnant; I just need to be healthy and peaceful.

The three-year Shiatsu Practioner course costs £7,000 in total. It’s a lot of money, I know. My husband and in-laws are wealthy and wouldn’t say no to funding it, but I want to do it myself. I don’t want to be reliant on anyone for this, not even my husband.

March 28th: I contacted Barclays Bank and they gave me the full amount! It’s called a Career Development Loan. I just paid all the fees upfront. I can’t wait to get started. I can pay it back to the bank once I’m qualified and practising.

April 4th: I attend classes every Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon in Hammersmith. Along with the practical class, I’m doing a diploma in biomedical sciences and an in-depth study of the Chinese medicine theory of qi (or ch’i) and meridians.

May 19th: Things are finally looking up. To rekindle our relationship, I suggest a date night, once a week. Every Wednesday night is our night. I dress up in something pretty and we both head out for a romantic dinner-date with wine and cocktails.

I’m still not able to be intimate with my husband much. I try, for his sake, but it still hurts. The alcohol helps.

July 22nd: I got a job! It’s part-time admin, three hours a day, Monday to Friday, at an elderly care nursing home. I’m learning a lot being around the aged. Many of whom are quite unwell, physically and mentally.

With the family’s blessing, I did some modelling for a makeup artist and fashion designer who were involved with my wedding, and now I’m signed with a modelling agency, but it’s not regular work as I don’t have time to keep going into town for castings, so this job will help me pay off my loan quicker. 

August to October: I’m enjoying my Shiatsu classes.

I got Jai a little toddler’s desk so that when I’m studying, he’s next to me ‘studying’ too. We have a resin human skeleton called Frank on the table and as I learn the names of the different body parts, Jai joins in too.

He has colouring in books, picture books and flashcards on his little desk. We look a right pair, we do, side by side at our desks. I want him to get into the best school in the area, so we work and play together, learning all the time. We watch and learn from one of our favourite videos called Baby Einstein.

Jai goes to a Montessori daycare and nursery a few mornings a week where he’s flourishing. My in-laws weren’t keen to send him at such a young age, but they see the benefits now and tell me it was a great decision for Jai after all.

He’s learning very quickly, and his interaction with other kids has made him very self-aware and brilliant at communicating for his age.

While my mother is off from work on Fridays and Jai doesn’t have Montessori, he spends the day with her. She’s overjoyed to have her weekly Jaiday.

I do my household work, get Jai ready and fed, run errands and cook a full Gujarati meal in the mornings, then I drop Jai off at daycare or at his Nani’s house and head off to the nursing home. After work, I pick Jai up and make hot chappatis for when everyone else gets home.

When I’m not at work or college, Jai and I spend every moment together. I’m twenty and he’s only almost two but he’s absolutely my best friend.

I love taking him to the shopping centre and out for a meal, just the two of us. I rarely buy myself anything, but I usually come back with some clothes, books, or toys for him. We go to our regular spot, a child-friendly Italian restaurant where Jai loves his spaghetti al pomodoro. He sits in a high chair and wears a full-sleeve bib, but by the end of the meal, he’s covered in sauce, his hands, his face and sometimes his hair too, as he eats it all up by himself.  The look of delight and satisfaction on his little face is priceless.

I don’t mind the mess. Even at home. A little preparation is all that’s needed. I let Jai be free to learn and explore the world in his own way. We clean up together, singing the clean-up song.

I love taking him to the indoor play centre. I’m one of those mums who doesn’t waste life sitting in the café, gossiping with the other mums and dads. I get in there with Jai. We climb the nets, slide the slides, crawl through tunnels and wade through the ball pool together. I don’t know who’s having more fun, my son or me!

Jai is such a happy toddler. I’m so grateful that whenever I was unwell or in hospital, he had so much love and care from my in-laws. It’s like he never missed out on anything.

And he’s very helpful, even at this age. Before bath time, he helps me get everything ready and wriggles out of his clothes himself. And Jai’s most joyful moment of the day?… He gets a thunderous round of applause and cheers from the family as he toddles, in his nappy, through the kitchen to the laundry room with his clothes in hand and beams with pride and the cutest smile when he gets the right clothes in the right basket, separating the colours and the whites.

My grandmother-in-law lives with us too. There are nine of us in the house in total. As I love cooking and I’m well now, my mother-in-law spends a few hours every morning in her temple room, getting a well-deserved break from taking care of us. So my grandmother-in-law and I prepare vegetables together and I cook.

While we chop, she tells me recipes and stories of her youth. Jai listens intently from his rocker chair and he giggles and baby-babbles away with her.

I love watching these two, who, generations apart, find so much joy in each other. The three of us spend a lot of time together. I try to help my grandmother-in-law wherever possible. She can’t cut her own toenails so I do it for her and I give her her weekly injections. I’d do anything for her.

October 25th: I get 96% in my biomedical sciences diploma exams. 

October 28th:  Maanav announced to me today that he’s leaving his city job this week and he and my father are going into business together. The contracts have been signed. The warehouse has been leased.

What on Earth?! When did all this happen? Why didn’t anyone discuss it with me? 

In business with my father?…

My father. This is the man who drank and beat the crap out of my mother and me for years. The man because of whom I tried to take my own life and left my childhood home to be as far away from as possible.

Maanav knew all this from day one.

Fine, my father and I have been cordial since my wedding day, but there is no way I would want him so involved with my own family, working side by side with my husband, day-in-day-out.

Why are they doing this? Is money more important than anything? Do my feelings not count?

And why didn’t anyone discuss it with me until nothing could be done about it?

Is it because I’m a woman, I have no say? Do they still see me as a child?

Should I tell them now or later that this woman, who is taking care of the family and studying and working, who, after overcoming child sexual abuse, domestic violence, a suicide attempt, molestation, teenage pregnancy, a shotgun wedding, giving birth, postpartum depression, a miscarriage, three gynaecological operations, including having a tumour removed, and all that pain and scarlet fever type illness, not to mention going away alone to another country for a month and enduring all the cow pee and poop, has done it.

Oh, Good Lord, yes, I finally did it. The pregnancy test I hold in my hand is positive.

But, of course, my feelings and my opinions don’t count. After all, who am I? I am just a woman—a nobody, clearly incapable of anything. 

Please go here to continue to Ep. 32