6 – Who’s to Blame?

Please Note: This is Ep.6

Please click here for Ep.5

Having been through something like that and more, I have come to the realisation that nobody is to blame. No matter how much we love someone, no matter how hard we try in our lives, to parent, to be a good carer, a friend or companion, a variety of factors can cause someone to end up in a vulnerable situation (or to succumb to mental illness). It doesn’t always have to be a violent or forced situation either.

I didn’t even know I was a victim of child sexual abuse until I was much older, that what had happened was actually inappropriate behaviour for a child and a grown-up together.

I mourned the old man’s suicide as a child, I even felt guilty, because I loved him and I thought he did it because we went away on holiday and left him lonely.

It wasn’t until after I had reached my adult years and learned about nudity and sex in the conventional sense that the realisation dawned on me. When my brother and I both opened up, I struggled to accept that the person whom I loved, who I felt loved us, actually had another agenda when he was, for example, giving me what I thought was an innocent bubble bath, playing with a rubber duck, at his house in the middle of the day with no one else around. It made me shudder to think of what I had blocked out and what my brother remembers. The process of digesting that was confusing and painful, but it did help me to understand why I couldn’t connect to certain people and why I didn’t have healthy intimate relationships.

I have now truly forgiven the old man and my other abusers (which I’ll write about later). I know this because the thought of them no longer evokes any negative emotion in me.

While I cried after writing my last post, I noticed that my mind was quiet. There were no questions: no ‘Why’s?’, no ‘What ifs’, no pleading with the universe, no animosity towards anyone. It was simply a release of emotion. It was beautiful to go through it with that awareness. By the evening, I had a wide smile on my face again and my meditative state had returned.

Through my years of healing and with Divine Grace, I see the bigger picture, I see the abusers themselves have a story too, and sadly it’s usually that they were victims of abuse themselves. It doesn’t excuse what they did, but if we see the truth that everyone is just a victim of their conditioning, it helps our own healing.

I’m fascinated by the human psyche, by what drives someone to behave in a particular way, to become a saint, or to go the other way and commit atrocious acts, taking advantage of others or hurting them. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and this might be controversial for me to say, but I have far more sympathy for paedophiles and violent criminals who suffered abuse as children than for a person who never suffered abuse but walks around with an air of superiority, who thinks they don’t need to apologise, who thinks they are better than others, the kind of person who doesn’t acknowledge or is rude to their employees or a waiter at a restaurant for example.

So how can I hold anything but compassion in my heart for another abuse victim, another broken child of God, no matter what they have done to me or my loved ones. I only pray that they are either healed in this life and can help others or that when they pass over, they do not get caught in this cycle again.

My heart hurts for those who have not yet let go and are still healing. I know how victims and the loved ones of victims feel because I once felt that way too, but I also know there is hope because of the way I feel now.

We all handle trauma in different ways, but if we can reach a stage of understanding and absolute forgiveness for the ones who hurt us or our loved ones, we can then free ourselves to focus on the goodness in the world and in our lives: this goodness is plentiful! 

And, if you’re reading this post you have so much to be grateful for because you’re already better off than billions of people in this world; there’s a good chance you can afford a computer or a phone, plus internet access, that you’ve had some kind of education, and that you’ve heard of Om Swami ji.

Look at the top of your screen, see that name? Just knowing of Him is enough to be thankful for.

The mere thought of Him can change the course of your day.

Faith in Him can transform you forever.

I’ll leave you with that thought. 

Please take good care of yourselves and each other.

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.

Let Go. Let Go. Let Go.

With His Grace, 

Sushree Diya ❤️

Please click here to continue to Ep.7