A Letter to Swamiji

Om Swamine Namah! (I learnt it from Ganesh Om ji, thank you Ganeshji.)

Jai Baba Neeb Karori!

Today, I woke up to an email from Sadhviji (Sadhvi Shraddha Om ji) which was a reply to a comment I had made in her previous post. There was a line written- ‘See you tomorrow with new post..’ and I was at awe. Actually,I had written something for Swamiji which wasn’t intended to be posted at os.me. But after receiving this message by her, I now change my decision and will post it as it is, without corrections or filters. I had written in a raw emotion almost a month back (or maybe more than that) and today, on the occasion of Guru Purnima,I will post it here. 

I offer my namaskar to all the elders of this group.🙏

Letter to Swami

See,

You cannot leave me.

You have to hold my hand till the very end and beyond, till the place I reach where there are no hands and no support as I won’t fall anywhere at all. Swamiji, I don’t have the sense of ‘us’, I see ‘you’ and ‘I’. I am a little kid at your feet and I don’t know how to offer myself to you. I have given my body at your feet, my core to you, I give away all my goodness and all my ill to you and I am still suspicious. Am I doing this swamiji or are you making me do this? Swamiji, take me. I am incomplete without you. I am not me when you are gone. I have to be with you, to be you.

Early in the morning Papa, I look at your smiling radiant face. And I smile back. Swamiji, I cannot offer you a beautiful smile either. I don’t have a beautiful smile. This mouth has spoken lies, spurted out words of hate. This mouth is not what will give you a beautiful smile but that is all I have Swamiji. Right now, while writing this,Swamiji, I am thinking of posting it one os.me but I know dear, why should I when I know that everything reaches to you? You said that one has to clean a mountain with a handkerchief, I don’t know what I am. Am i the mountain, a handkerchief or the person or the dirt that one has to be done away with, I don’t know that…baba my bad bad flaws don’t know that. Papa, don’t leave me. Hold me na, am I not your kid? I am your kid. Hold me. Hold me like Mother Divine holds Lord Ganesha. Baba, you are innocent but I am not. You are clean but I am not. I cannot even serve you my love Papa. I am existing and that is all I do. I am sorry Papa. I love you. Pranaam….I clench at your feet.

❤

Thank you so much Swamiji! Sadar Charan Sparsh!