A Walk In My Shoes

SB is an affiliate centre of the University of London International Programs. This was shortly before Ishu was diagnosed with schizophrenia. What I am about to tell you is based on actual events. However, Ishu cannot take the girl’s name because that would violate her constitutional rights. After all, when Ishu confronted her, her words that the experience creeped her out, involving a poem about a spirit whose picture you can see below. 

                              
The picture which you see is a spirit called Dakini. It might prove quite a freaky picture for some people and might sound like a myth, something right out of a novel because what Ishu is about to describe to you is something Ishu also never had encountered. Ishu cannot show you the original poem because Ishu deleted only copy and reproduced it from my memory. Still, the quality of these two poems was starkly different from the original one, which was quite intense, which Ishu had written for some other girl with whom Ishu was in love at that time, and the reproduced part of it was not so fierce, so here is the poem. 

Search For Dakini……
Come in arms
that long to hold you
Kiss the lips
That thirst for a kiss
Be mine now
Be mine forever
In the day or the night
I belong only to thee
My lover, my passion
My fire🔥, my only desire.
What else a heart💘
may desire
But a few moments
stolen from
rivers of time.
A Dakini, you are
a Dakini in her prime
A Dakini I wish
to make mine!

How did Dakini enter Ishu’s life? It was a coincidence. It was the year around 2008. Ishu was in severe depression had suicidal tendencies, which Ishu had never experienced. Even if Ishu told you how he felt while he had these suicidal tendencies, you might not believe Ishu until you experience it, and you can share it. Still, it would change your notion of reality as you know it as this experience did.

Ishu does not know about other people, but when Ishu was suffering from depression, he listened to fusion music while sleeping, especially a particular album called Sky Kisses Earth by Prem Joshua. It was an instrumental album, and it had a song called Dakini in it. A peculiar thing that used to happen felt used to happen was that Ishu used to feel as if something was moving his private parts, a thing which His psychiatrist asked ishu before being diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2016 same year when Ishu had overdosed on his medications for the reasons he cannot go into.

Ishu was in love with a girl then, and he kept loving her despite their breakup three years ago. She was gorgeous and had a unique way of getting boys to do her bidding, which, just like this tale, sounds out of the world. Ishu never knew where she learned this trick but to pull off such things; you need to be at least, in his opinion, need to be spiritually active to some level. To cut a long story short, Ishu was drunk on my birthday in September of that year, and alone the date was the 25th of September when Ishu wrote her an honest email from my heart and confessed how Ishu still felt for her. Ishu told her she was his dream girl. She resisted Ishu’s overtures, but she called out of the blue for the first time in years to ask Ishu how he was doing? Until that time, just one time she had asked me, so when we were in a relationship, she hardly talked to Ishu or rarely replied to his messages but still professed to love for Ishu. The poem you read previously was written for her, but something told Ishu not to send it to her. Still, Ishu did send it to one of his friends, who said that the original version of this poem had a lot of gravity. Ishu was like, yes, so what is the big deal until the incident happened when Ishu went to his college and was sitting in the room of the lounge of the college writing in his diary, and there was this one other guy with him in the room whom Ishu did not know but was busy in own world.

The funny thing about the craft of writing poetry is that you never know how it will impact people. Meaning when Ishu’s mom read one of his poems on motherhood, it made her cry, and Ishu’s aunt, who is childless, read what I consider to be the collection of my finest works. She also said that Ishu’s poems made her cry. If you want to experience what Ishu is talking about, then the only book which made Ishu share a sublime experience is Autobiography of a Yogi. Something about this book draws you in and makes you feel peaceful.

This poem was written when she told Ishu that she no longer had a boyfriend; Ishu’s ex was like bursting an emotional dam in Ishu, a tsunami of emotions that took over Ishu in heat and a passionate moment, Ishu wrote this poem. After all this year, after numerous reflections upon this episode, there is one, and only one, conclusion: if your energies hit a peak spiritually speaking. Emotions are something which if you hit a mountain, then watch out you are in trouble because your judgment is clouded when you are hyper-emotional. That is why you have something called crimes of passion. But this experience was a shock to Ishu as it was for that poor girl who was the second person to read the original version of the poem Search For Dakini, which Ishu considers to be his masterpiece.

So while Ishu was writing in Ishu’s diary, this girl walked into the room with her friend. Now I will use another naIshu for her; let us say her naIshu was Sarah. Now there was a guitar in the room. She picked it up, sat on the opposite corner of the room, and struck a few random chords. Now the fun is about to start.
 Sarah asked the other guy sitting in the room whether he knew how to play the guitar. He said no, and then she wondered Ishu. I replied no, but then I said I know how to write poems. She asked Ishu to show her one of Ishu’s poems. Ishu told her that if she reads his poem, she would get into trouble like his former girlfriend if she read Ishu’s poem, The Unfulfilled Dream.

Returning to Sarah, she asked Ishu whether Ishu’s poem was good or bad. Ishu replied, former. Well, Ishu cannot do anything if you ask for the bull to come and hit you and that you are waving a red flag in front of it. Ishu had posted “Search For Dakini……” the previous night on Facebook, so Ishu showed it to her. She came over to the couch, sat next to Ishu, and read the poem. In one moment, her entire demeanour changed. She became overly friendly with Ishu after reading the poem. 

She mentioned that she had a boyfriend. If she had been in true love with her boyfriend, what happens when you are in love with someone seriously? Then the mere mention or remembrance of them brings a sparkle in your eyes and warmness in one person’s voice. Still, when she mentioned her boyfriend, Ishu was laughing from inside while this was going on, so Ishu told her that knowing full well that she was in an emotional trap, Ishu said ok, break up with her boyfriend, and come with Ishu.

 She tried her best. She guessed that Ishu had been severely bullied when he was in school. So some time into talking with her, Ishu felt something at best it can be described as some energy or force; Ishu does not know what was transferred from her to Ishu, which Ishu absorbed, thinking he would deal with this later on. She tried to get Ishu to go out with her to the best of her abilities, but Ishu was unwilling. 

She just said,” you are weird.” she got up and started walking the room. Ishu smiled wickedly,” Sarah, I had warned you.” Upon hearing this, there was a shocking realisation. She just nodded and left the room in a hurry with her friend. Ishu also decided that he needed to deal with whatever had happened. Ishu got up and went outside the college. When he started feeling a huge attraction towards her which was compelling Ishu, Ishu fought it off and nearly smoked ten cigarettes in twenty to thirty minutes. Somehow Ishu was able to quell the raging internal conflict upon the resolution. It dawned upon him that if this experience was so powerful for Ishu, it must have been creepy for Sarah. After that, Ishu tried to make amends tried to talk to her got many chances.

 Still, Ishu was always in a hurry. There would be chance meetings like bumping into each other when Ishu had just entered the college and was on Ishu’s way to whatever class was scheduled. I Ishussage her on Facebook, saying that Ishu was suffering from depression, but she blocked Ishu. Ishu does not remember when or after I had messaged her on Facebook, but one day, I confronted her. She told Ishu that the entire experience creeped her out, and other students standing with her said that they understood that I did not do it intentionally I left off at that. Ishu had a chance to encounter her when I was on Ishu’s way back to his accommodation, and she was walking in the opposite direction with her friends on seeing Ishu. Her face showed fear, but Ishu just ignored her and kept on walking.

What I have not made public about this episode is the trick that my former girlfriend was using. I do not know from girls learn these tricks. She kept at it for five months. I was tried talking to her, but when I pulled her on scheme into her, showing her that I knew what she was doing, and I was frustrated with her. Even after that, she did not stop playing games cannot blame her for being cautious. I used to be afraid of her temper, fearful of losing her as she was my hope. On top of that, my love for her prevented me from unleashing a fury on my family, and when it came out, everyone in my family was running helter-skelter.

My former girlfriend’s trick was she could manipulate anyone doing her bidding through WhatsApp status and WhatsApp profile pictures. I do not know if you believe it, but she was using subliminal messages in my biased opinion. I was ruthless with her in search of my answers. I do not deny that I contributed to it she was 17 when I met her and in a relationship with a twenty-four-year-old guy. I did have feelings but never confessed to her due to the age gap. When I came to, she was dating a guy of my age. I debated for a long time whether I should confess my feelings to her or not but decided, in the end, to go ahead with it. She was beautiful, but I did not want her just for sex or her beauty but how she made me feel about myself as loving her loved me. She kept on dating the other our equation was complicated. I never forced her to choose between her boyfriend and me; I never said anything about how jealous I was, but she did not even give me the time of day. Her falling in love with me was an accident. I seduced her, but chance arose by accident. I had written a tragic love poem, and she was the first girl to read it. I just had sent for her opinion. She did not reply for at least three days, but she wanted to get physical with me when she did. At that time, I was addicted to sex chats because I had suicidal tendencies. Yes, I seduced her, but I loved her for ten years.s I was never harsh with her. She kept on lying to me and in all ten years, she only asked me how was my day and whether I was still suffering from depression. She recoiled back because she was hurt once she loved me so deeply but never said anything to me. Even when I changed told her that I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, she still did not let up playing games. I was tired of her silence and wanted to kill my love for her, but I needed my answers, so I showed her my anger, and she was running scared. In the end, I never did anything to harm her, but when I processed my anger, I regretted doing it. I have let her go. I wish her all happiness. I was tired of her silence and feeling that I was being taken for granted. 

Life has been cruel to me. 

Dakini only to come to those people on their path to Buddhahood. Am I?