Am I Self Sabotaging??

I lead a normal mundane life of a housewife most of my life. Teaching children was the highlight of my life and till date – though I have stopped teaching- I have very happy memories of that period of my life. Maybe because my parents were into doing prayers and sewa I too gravitated to the same. My father always used to tell me -“ read the meanings- understand what you are reading, instead of just saying the prayers.”

In some corner of my mind it registered and I started reading with meanings. But the real game changer was my friend- in fact 2 of them . They had more than their normal share of problems. But somehow they got into meditation. Every time I used to meet them – after a couple of months -I used to find them calmer and happier. Though I knew for a fact that they were facing major problems they faced them peacefully. Both had different guides but there were always encouraged to meditate. In fact that was the basic rule – meditate  regularly. With their encouragement I too started meditation from various apps- reading the meanings or reading self help books. I was feeling much better and happy when I fell sick. My entire routine got derailed as I had vertigo which lasted for nearly 2 months. Doing daily chores without falling down was my achievement of the day. After 3 months I finally- slowly started my routine of meditation again. 
It has happened 3 times in the last 2 years that every time I am finally in a good place – happy that I am improving- able to concentrate a little in meditation- that I fall sick and I am back to square one. It’s very disheartening and now I have started feeling- “ is there any point  in doing meditation- I am not improving.” Reach a certain level of happiness and then back to zero. Of course I have several suggestions from various relatives and friends- ranging from- you are self sabotaging 🤔🤔- God is testing you- maybe someone is jealous of you and being a jinx…….

I don’t know why it’s happening but it’s really pulling me down mentally. Suggestions are always welcome. I was really happy that I had the opportunity to interact with like minded people on this platform when 15 days ago I got ear infection- again derailed. Today finally got the strength to pen down my thoughts.