An Appointment with Death by Yash

Note: This post is a fulfillment of the commitment made to first Biswaji and then Shaliniji.

In this post, I will be describing what I did on 18 Feb, 2021. Before I begin, let me give you a brief background of the situation. During early January, after singing Shiva’s glories in the morning, I thought, “Oh Mahadev, Shivratri is approaching. Singing the same songs every day makes it a boring routine. I won’t talk to you properly till Shivratri, will not sing any stotras. This will create tension so that I worship you intensely on Mahashivratri” (fool, stupid, silly, idiot, moron Yash!).

Unaware of what I had done, I continued with daily activities. Within few days, I was crying, sobbing, lamenting. For the first time ever, I called Ma from the bottom of my heart, forgetting everything. I won’t go in deep in explaining what all happened during that time in this post.

To understand how I was feeling, watch this video from 5:16.

So after some days, I decided that I didn’t want to live anymore. I asked Mahakaal to destroy all of my five sheaths on Mahashivratri. Either you come on Shivratri, or annihilate me completely, I can’t live without you.

On Feb 18, I decided why wait for Shivratri? I thought let’s finish it off today itself. I asked him, “Oh Great Mahakaal! Wipe out my complete existence. Give into my this last desire. You can reduce the entire universe to ashes in a flash of a second, reduce my five sheaths to ashes, give me this death today itself. Apply those ashes of mine to your feet, if I am not worthy of even that, then wipe out those ashes too. Merge me into you forever.”

I told Ma, “He will surely hear you if not me, tell him to do so.” So I fixed an appointment with death in the evening at 5:15pm, my evening meditation time in winters. But I didn’t prefer any ordinary way of death, because I knew that suicide binds you even more in the law of karma and takes you away from liberation. Moreover, this life has been granted by God and only God has the right to take it, you don’t have any right to strangle yourself or cut your vein (have patience, I will tell you what I did).

So, the whole day I was thinking about death, with a firm belief that I was going to die after some hours. (When I was small, I used to tell my mother that I won’t leave this planet before 200yrs, I have to do a lot of work !).

I was really serious. I forgave everyone including myself, what use is grudge when I’m dying after some hours. I let go of my past, my future plans of Shivratri, of writing on os.me, of all that I wanted to achieve. No running, no rushing, no planning, no regretting, no fears. Initially, thoughts came. What about your family, the few drops of knowledge you have which can help others, all those expectations, dreams, etc.

I said millions of people die every day and are also born. The universe never stops. It keeps moving on. My existence is a burden on this planet. Nature will be blessed by my end. There are more wise and much more sensible people than me who can do good to others. I am nothing. My mind slowly became silent, there was nothing to worry about.

Slowly, I became peaceful. Placing my head in Ma’s lap, I thanked her for such a nice journey and her love which I never realized before and asked for forgiveness. During that time, I have told you earlier, I could feel Ma very close. Someone was smiling. Soon peace turned to bliss! I was blissful, finally a full stop to the journey of so many births. As time passed slowly, very slowly, I felt losing all energy. I did some heavy jumping to reduce more energy. I felt my body becoming heavy.

Now here I need to explain something so that curse of knowledge doesn’t affect this post: There are many possibilities in the spiritual arena and I somehow know them. If your consciousness at this moment completely merges with the universal consciousness, then for the world you will die but in truth, this will be one kind of liberation, you will cease to exist forever, no bhakti, no gyan, no bliss. This is possible, as far as I know, but this will not be of any help to this world. (or it may be, you decide)

Finally around 5:10pm, I entered the room in which I meditate. Slowly I placed the folded dari which I use as asana. Slowly I undressed completely (whether you like it or not, I have been meditating completely naked for more than 2yrs, see this). Then, after bowing down to Shiva and Ma, who are my guru, I began rotating, whirling round and round. This is again a technique from Vigyan Bhairav Tantra. This was particularly difficult for me because I easily feel dizzy and vomit — like if I turn round and round in one place.

I started feeling dizzy, but I continued to turn round and round and then at one point I fell down without effort, there was no pain or hurt from the floor. When I had first read about this in Osho’s book, I had wondered if it was possible to fall down without getting hurt. I had tried this technique last year once with fear. Today, I was fearless.

So there I was, a madman lying naked. When dizziness reduced a little, I got up once again for a second round. I felt so blissful, finally, I was going to die! For one moment, I felt something strange, I felt as if I was not moving but my surroundings were moving! It was an experience like no other. I collapsed for a second time. I had done what I wanted to do and now it was his turn to make his move.

Everything was going fine. Suddenly I became aware of some voices and I realized – visit of cousins! Visit of cousins at any other time was acceptable but at 5:30 pm, no way! Chances of such visit on a non-occasional day — 0.001% chance! Now my two younger cousins were banging the door and with so much noise it was not possible to meditate in any way. So the Mayavi (name from Shiv-Sahasranama) had played the master-card!

I felt I had been fooled. I got up, put on my clothes and ended the meditation session. Mentally, I was blabbering. So you will not even let me die so easily, huh. I could feel them smiling. I was a little angry and frustrated. Within a few days, I was again waiting for Mahashivratri.

So this was one incident from that 50 day period before Mahashivratri. This was my first and last attempt at death. Now I don’t want to leave you all with sad faces (I hope the end makes you smile), so here are some reasons why everything was perfect: