Anxiety is Real

Aug 8, Mon, 1:58pm

My mind is racing at an infinite speed. I am not able to calm it down. Is it the tea I drank this morning? I hardly drink tea. Is it the million thoughts that are running in my mind. Or the never ending list of things to do. I have appointments, meetings, tasks, chores, to-do lists to finish. I am trying to tell my mind to keep calm and focus on one thing at a time. I caught the anxiety and tying to be better. My daily meeting is about to start and here I am writing this, to help myself let go of the thoughts. Ok, I will be back in a few minutes, let me attend the meeting first.

2:11pm

So, the meeting is done, I have another one in 20mins. I had already been to two this morning. A practice is scheduled later this evening. Sounds like a lot of things in a day right? Well, I usually don’t mind it. This very Monday is slightly different, I have tasks in hand and I think I am running behind on it. All the reasons and deductions that lead to anxiety and stress apply today. Having that out of the way now, I am aware of my situation and the mind is not coming to a halt at all. I put calming music in the background and took my lunch first, to let the physical aspects out of the way. I feel somewhat better already, since I started writing this and there goes off my reminder for the next meeting.

I will try to prioritize my tasks and chores and act accordingly, it is just that, the feeling inside the mind and body is out of my control at present. I want to write about it so that I have an outlet at the least. That tea in the morning certainly didn’t do me good. I just remember I have written about the effects of caffeine too, in one of my blogs. I should be more careful about my food intake. It happens very often that I bear the after effects of wrong choice of food. I do not know, if it is my immunity or body type that I have regular issues arising from food habits. Just this morning I was watching a video on sattvic food habits and decided to follow it. If only I could decline the offer to tea which I only drink once in months. I should better be more kind to myself than being polite to others all the time.

With only 10 minutes left to prepare for the next meeting, let me go on with my day now and come back here later.

2:30pm

Taking things in my own hands, I rescheduled the meeting to tomorrow same time, I had no time to prepare for it. I am glad I was in a position to re-schedule. One fire put off successfully. Now I can focus on my work and prevent my mind from rushing to upcomings things. With so many people asking you questions and you not having enough time to prepare for it, it can lead to heightened energy and activities inside the mind, which was indeed causing me some stress. Back to my Monday. I will be alright. Be back soon.

My calendar scares me these days.

2:45pm

My Phone gives me anxiety to next level, I have a problem, I can admit. I am too distracted by my phone or let’s just say addicted to it. No apps in particular, I go in a loop (round robin in the terms of Computer Science). I keep checking all the social media apps and then my gallery frequently. I have put my notifications off for all these apps and still I check them before the notification could ever make it. It’s a bad situation, I have nobody to ask me to stop, maybe living by myself is leading me to habits that I am unable to avoid by myself. It scares me sometimes and still on other days I am doing much better and able to focus better on my tasks.

3:00pm

What is this irritating sound in the background, somebody’s using a machine and it has the most irritating sound. Sometimes, everything seems aggravated and out of place especially when you are not in the right state of mind. But, I will close my windows just enough to let the wind inside with the peaceful sound of the leaves and play the calm music again.

3:10pm

I took every call, message and ping today. I want to be present everywhere, not disappoint anyone. Enough of putting others before myself, catering to their questions and needs. I will still go on to reply to them, I am such a loser and a fool sometimes I think. Don’t be too available for everyone, nobody gives it back anyways. Not at work, nor in personal life. Everything will run just as smoothly if you take longer to respond, but how to tame my mind to learn this?? But if you over exhaust yourself, you won’t be able to run even for a single day without a mental or emotional breakdown.

You are a nice, sweet, good hearted person and they wouldn’t start believing otherwise if you start taking time for yourself every now and then. I have made this in a big problem and perceive taking care of my well being as a herculean task, so much so that I often go to the extreme of putting my phone away forcibly for a day. That is not sustainable. I need subtle and effective measures which I can follow on a daily basis and eventually develop the habit and a conscious mind to put my best interest forward in most situations before I can agree to what level I can contribute in something and how frequently.

3:15pm

I have this OCD in my mind about things and I can not let go of useless activities that are originated from the mind and have no significance in the present moment, but I start doing those useless things first neglecting the actual task in hand, often leading to unfulfilled priorities and unfinished tasks resulting in stressful situations the next day or once the actual deadline is approaching.

So why do I not meditate? I have all the time in the world now, but can I actually wake up at the same time everyday to start my day with the same routine? Forget about waking up early, which I did today and even meditated. Last week was totally disorganized and I am fed up of wasting my precious time like that. Arggghhh, what do I do? I am not this sad person and I certainly don’t want to feel this awful about such a trivial yet most common problem of life. I procrastinate all the time, yet I make big To-Do lists and I want to achieve all of my goals without any action or plan. It can not be this difficult, can it? Where is my self discipline and constant motivation? I can very well recognize and address my problems but can not continue taking corrective measures.

Maybe I need to slow down and start small, but being consistent has been a problem. I am rambling about this for so long now and I know I am inviting suggestions, sympathies, empathy and solutions from people. It is welcome as well, but in the end it is me who has to do something. I do know what to do, I am just unable to do it really by myself.

I hope I can come out of this state and just relax. I have problem concentrating, focusing, being attentive and disciplined. But I want to change that about me without being this tough on myself. Now that I have written it all down, I am thinking should I publish this? This is so self critical and not the best thing to read. Maybe this belongs in my personal diary instead.

Saving to drafts for now. 

Note: My head does feel lighter and that stress is gone, the mind is not racing anymore and I don’t feel that pressure in my head. Good thing. 3:30pm

12:21 am Aug, 09

I am doing lot better now. I think, I will publish this here anyway. 

So, I moved my last meeting for the day for tomorrow. Then decided to do some relaxing activity, music, candle, bath bombs, you can guess it. I felt way better, the meditative music calmed my mind and water always soothes me, unless it is unexpectedly pouring and I don’t have an umbrella in sight 😀

Post that, I went for my driving class, did great at it. Immediately after that I had my dance practice. I love dancing, it is something I do from heart, open to viewer’s discretion 😀

I may have taken the liberty to confront someone as it was way more important for my sanity than anything else today. It needed to be done today or it would have been useless and my mind would be in turmoil too. I am glad that I had calmed down and strongly back on my feet by that point. Went home, cooked myself a good dinner (got offered some more food I couldn’t decline! Always Grateful), listened to soulful Bollywood songs from 1999-2000’s, did my laundry and some more phone calls (of course people & my friends need me and I was there for them and they for me) and texts later! Here I am preparing to sleep, post taking care of myself and my day! Putting out some fires and prepared for what’s coming up! Yes, anxiety is real and it is tough to get out of that situation and state of mind. I am fine right now and feeling good inside, happy outside 🙂

Night!