Break My Brain

I am not initiated by anyone right now, so, I choose a mantra for chanting, for discipline. I chose- Om Namah Shivay. A short mantra. Simple to chant, I choose it. I chant it. I discontinue my chanting. I meditate. I discontinue that too. I am caught up by stimulating external, so, I try to catch up with that. It flees away. So, I stop that too. I have a deadline to meet, I have been working hard but it’s not completed yet. So, I postpone it. Okay, don’t worry- take a nap. Classes are over, brain is tired, take a nap. I take a nap. I want a nap. I am feeling good. The ease of sleepiness. I am anxious now. I am not submitting my work on time. A sudden jerk- a fight or flight response? I don’t want to submit a poor work. So, I will take time. Okay, I have time. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Stop. Breathe. Let go. Go take a nap. Texts are popping up on whatsap. Students are submitting on time. Teachers are giving ultimatum. I wont submit it today. I have a phone in my hand. i begin to scroll through my insta. One scene after the other. Fleeting reels and beautiful pictures. Nothing to do with spirituality. I don’t want to scroll but I am stuck. I scroll more. Scenes after scenes. I scroll more to fleeting scenes. I scroll. I scroll. I remember to take a nap. I put my phone aside. I lay down. I close my eyes. I want a nap. I want it good. I try. I couldn’t. So, I mentally focus on a shivlinga. I chant Om Namah Shivay. I chant it repeatedly. I chant it seven times. I see black color of the shivling and I see a burkha. I see a face. I see an expression. I bring my mind back to the shivlinga- a mingle of Shiv-Shakti and I chant again- Om Namah Shivay. I repeat the mantra five times and remember how badly I had behaved once. I revisit the scene. I remember the shivlinga again. Om Namah Shivay. I chant it three times. Flashes. Past, future, the impossible. I scroll through my mind. Things I don’t want. Scenes I don’t like. Destruction and anger. Dance and music. I remember the shivlinga again. It is blur now. Om Namah Shivay. I chant it two times. I want God. I want God. I want god. I want to listen to a mantra on YouTube. I refuse to. Overstimulated brain wants things to fly away. I will not want so. I want God. I want God. I want God. I can’t stay still. I want God. I break promises. I want God. I want God. Break my brain. Break my brain. Break my brain. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. A helpless matrix of images and imagination. Break my brain. I want God. I am awake. My eyes are closed. Overstimulating reality. an overwhelming brain. Where to turn to? I want God. I close my eyes. I shout. I am in tears. I want God. Break my brain. Break my brain. A living flesh. Break my brain.