I offer my humble Pranaams to you Gurudev. Rev. Sri. Sri. Om Swamiji🙏🕉 much love and peace to you .
Grant me enough strength as I pen down the last few series of my life that willingly yet unwillingly have been lived by me. I probably had to shed it once for all here on this platform provided by you. I began writing on the same almost two years ago and then stopped midway, for it felt I was giving an unwanted span of life too much importance and somehow also humans who cause suffering to others grab much of the attention and energy be it in discussions or expressions.
I have reached a phase of stillness by Divine Grace…But what hits the most as I pen down and reflect …’It’s not how brutally treated you are in life that matters and kills you, it’s how brutally you have allowed yourself to be treated and killed yourself each time is what matters the most’ ….
I feel life is too short and time is flying and expressing my shortcomings here that burnt me to death many times, perhaps might help create awareness for someone , somewhere to feel and respect life as Pure Grace and keep living in the most dignified way🙏
Thank you once again my Gurudev. Sri. Sri. Om Swamiji 🙏🕉🍃
This is part 6 in continuation of the series.
Year 2002…New beginnings …
There was this immense joy to a new beginning of life for good after big span of years. Moving to a different country, a good place and above all with both my children together after long time and their future well taken care of, what more as a Parent I could wish for. It felt like a lost dream coming true . My life after extreme tough journey for years felt hugged and smoothened. Bidding goodbye to the holy place Rishikesh where my kids were raised felt that it only blessed my children to evolve and do good in life.
The journey…
Reaching Delhi airport was a quite and peaceful trip though deep down there were some mixed emotions too of leaving India. How is it all going to be? Also the pressure of rebuilding everything from scratch in a new country needed much resilience and determination. But I had complete faith that Divine would take care of us.
As soon as we entered the airport with our passport and papers in hand my husband quickly grabbed the documents from us whilst me and my daughter were approaching the check-in counter. For a minute I was literally taken aback but was quick enough to realize his typical trait. He was so used to these ownership moments in public places or be it in front of friends or other family members and would love to secure high attention from others with sudden loud remarks or body gestures and make us (me and the kids) appear as sissy aliens. This day was no different. I guess one keeps putting up to avoid further embarrassment.
All through the flight though he seemed pretty relaxed and chilled but slyly refrained from any discussion to what his plans were for us when we arrive in London.There were these internal churning moments within me that would spur up that something was amiss in the given picture by the husband figure.
I held on to my daughter’s hand, looked at her sweet innocent face and in my hearts of hearts kept praying that we get to stay in our own place and am able to give them a good, peaceful life. The truth was, a weird fear always grappled me even in the best of my moments as the husband figure was too efficient in covering up much of the major details of life to be built together as family conveniently.
The Arrival…
After landing at Heathrow airport, we got seated in the cab to our destination at my sister in law’s place. The idea was to stay for just a few initial days with her and then move to our rental place as soon as we finalised one.
But I was hushed whilst on the way, in the middle of the conversation by the man ( ex-husband) and was told very clearly that it might take time to shift to our own rental place and that we would be staying at his sisters house till the time his business does not pick up.
There was nothing left to say…. The joy that filled my heart with believability and the assurances given to me by his sugar dipped words before travelling from India now seemed to be fading even before we could place ourselves in a home so to say. He seemed to have shelved the whole idea of it. I knew I was yet again mislead into emotional manipulation by the man and I would be stuck indefinitely, and if I did retaliate I would have to I take his verbal and physical abuse.
I purely thought of my children being with me and prayed to Divine to take care of them. Anything now for their betterment and I could not risk putting them in trouble just because their father was such a slipshod and irresponsible person. I preferred to quieten my heartfelt wish of a life with some freedom.
Some joyful moments of a mother…
Reaching my sister-in-law’s place it was a joy meeting my son after a couple of years long gap. He had grown big. The joy and glint in his eyes was so heartwarming. Both my daughter and son were meeting after long. We cried inconsolably as only our hearts knew how much we missed each other. The moment felt so so precious. I felt I could do anything for their sake even if it required to make drastic adjustments.
My sister in law and mother in law were pretty formal with me, after all I was the biggest criminal in their eyes for years who had snatched their son from them. From their cold expressions and body language I knew I was now at their mercy all thanks to a perfect plot well executed by the husband figure.
His fantasies carried these deep insight of viciousness, where he intelligently used everyone ( near and dear ones) with his typical traits to slide in the good books of everyone and accumulate immense sympathy. Strange as it may appear he played so well by fooling to get us out of India with an assurance that he is fully taking our charge but eventually ending up playing a feeble struggler card by placing us at his sister’s house to escape much of the expenses and have an easy going life.
I only realised this after long years , though I did sense something was off about his personality after my son was born. But the stupid and naive mind of mine in love only believed to trust , trust and trust.
What’s done was done … I made sure to spend my entire day basking in delightful moments with my kids that felt extremely precious.
Preparing without preparation!
The next day I was asked by my husband to get ready quickly and head along with him to Camden market and get on with his business work. He had taken an outlet and started to run a readymade garments business in Camden Town around two months before we landed in London.
I was little taken aback as I had barely rested. Shifting base from India had been such a Herculean task. From withdrawing my daughter from her boarding school in Dehradoon, to handing over the affairs of business and waving off lots of things even at the home front till the last minute that too single handedly was not easy.
It felt that my mind was on constant run for years as each day it felt a clock ticking like a time bomb under the ever demanding pressures of the husband figure. So my coming to London too felt like a poor donkey loaded with sacks that seemed all decorated but weighed even heavier than before.
We had not even shopped for my clothes required for that chilly weather or even proper boots to head out on that long route to work and being at a market place required constant movement to cater to customers. Even though I was assured by this man that he would do the needful shopping as soon as we reached U.K. he did not show any interest.
Later in the evening he put up a big face at the dinner table and asked his sister to give her long coat and shoes to me. It was extremely embarrassing that he did not even have the decency to consider me into the conversation.
Come to think of it practically he owned a whole outlet of garments in Camden and could have easily picked something from there itself before hand.
Without any choice, I had to take help of his sister though she wasn’t quite happy in lending her stuff. It was extremely comforting for the husband to relish his meal as perhaps he had saved enough money from getting squandered on me.
The workplace…
Early next morning I set out for Camden Town . I was shown how to catch the bus from home to reach the main station, then get my day travel card (paper ticket) from ticket machine at Tube , from there proceed to catch the central tube from two different stations and finally reach Camden Town which was a trip of almost hour and half.
Once there I was shown how to open the outlet door and that meant taking help of the other owners as the main doors of the outlet were very heavy. All instructions to putting up outfits for display, cleaning up the place and coming across to invite customers was given.
I was finally instructed by him in a firm voice to not mix around with anyone around and just remain focused in my business and keep note of every bit of the sales in a register.
Within just few days I disciplined myself in my work ( I was working for years looking after my business in Rishikesh dealing with westerners too ) and as soon as the man ( ex husband) understood that I now had grip on the business he started to rest at home giving all kinds of excuses of random meetings etc. and I was further loaded now with more task at hand and travel on my own. Guess, I did sign up for it , isn’t it!
If one could think of this journey, it wasn’t a wee bit easy for me. The amount of over exposure in Camden town was way to open and I had to plaster and face it all with a big smile. The docile me carrying within a decent intelligence and graceful demeanour, was constantly battered by this strange outer companion of the self to train my mind being otherwise and put up for the sake of my children’s future, because in my hearts of heart I knew that this man ( the husband figure) would literally take no responsibility of my kids.
I simply had to be courageous holding on to my Divine …
Relating this to a heartwarming quote by Ann Lamott…It says ‘ that all courage is fear said with prayers’ .
How did I deal with it all? The hippie, hip and happening life that I ventured into, did it overlap my true personality?
To be continued in the next post……
Thank you immensely my dear OS family and kind readers for taking out your precious time in reading my life story🙏 There are going to be heavenly moments amidst all the chaos I encountered, trust me! For Divine did take care of me all through, giving me every opportunity to grow through my experiences and return to Him like His simple child🕉
Love and Peace🙏
Jai Sri Hari 🕉
Siddhika Umesh
pic : pininterest
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