CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

      Childhood is a very tender age. We are at a point where most of us don’t have a lot of insight and we are affected a lot by the people around us. We learn from them. And their personality becomes our personality. We pick both their good and bad habits. As an adult we might not get affected by a lot of negativity and bad vibes around us but when you are a small kid, you might not be aware that you are in agony. You are suffering. You might seem still okay but when you grow up, all that trauma all that bad experience even the minute once cripple you for a lifetime.

     For most couples specially in India it’s mostly peer pressure, family pressure and societal pressure that makes them want to have a baby. Most of the time they are not ready for having someone new in their life while they are still getting their life together. You see, you will not be realizing this but when you are not ready for it, it doesn’t affect only your life. It affects the life of the baby as well. It changes the course of your little one for the rest of his or her life. 

     I will give my example and tell how it has affected me. I grew up in a household where I saw my parents constantly fight. They had their jobs far away from where we were staying. They both were working full time. I know they were struggling a lot to provide for our four members family and give us the best of everything. Now that I think about it I realise that all the fights, all the abuse (both physical and verbal), all the negativity was coming from them trying to do beyond their limits. And in the process of doing that they were pushing us to be the best versions of ourselves too. It included constant criticism when we were not getting good enough grades in school, not allowing us to watch tv or have play session as a punishment for not being good at something else or for throwing tantrum. 

     All these was when we were still too small. And it continued untill I got a good enough rank to make them feel assured that I have a safe career from now on.  I’m no way saying they didnt love us. It was their love for us that pushed them to go beyond their limits and manage both home and work everyday which still seems humanly impossible to me. But you see, you tell a child she isnt doing enough when she is actually trying hard and when you deprive her from all the little things in life you are teaching her some habits that stays with her in her adulthood. For example, my parents fights and their bitterness made me so afraid of relationships and marriages that I never wanted to get myself into that. It was quiet impossible to believe that good people exist in the world and it’s not going to be the same with every relationship. Their pushing me beyond my limits made me really ambitious. Actually in a very toxic way. Probably workaholic is the perfect word for that. I mean it became a habit to set unrealistic goals for myself and try to achieve them, feel guilty for taking a break when I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, feeling insufficient when I’m not able to meet my own unrealistic goals and being my worst critic ever. 

And in the long run it made me very much bitter towards them too for their constant criticism. I just wanted all that nagging and pushing me to do more to stop. It took a lot of effort and lot of mindfulness to understand that they were raised in a lower middle class indian family without a lot of basic necessities getting fulfilled where they might have decided that if they ever have kids, they will never let them suffer for materialistic needs ever again. And they did that. They probably wanted us to have the most succesful career so that when they are not around anymore , we still will be self sufficient to fulfill all our needs. 

    We all were lucky because we got to discover the power of meditation and mindfulness and we have a guru like swamiji to guide us and help us change. But not everyone gets that. I might sound unrealistic but in my opinion, every child deserves a loving home with all the positivity around with all the words of affirmation and motivation. So that we are creating a world where everyone gets the perfect environment to become their best versions. Because if you are bringing a life to this world, its completely on you if you are not being the perfect loving and caring parnet with a perfect environment for them. Because they didnt ask you to give them this life. But if you did, then it’s your lifestyle goal to keep them safe from all kind of harms u till they are capable of taking decisions for themselves and they have the power to think and analyze things. There is no shame in taking more time than others to be ready to have a kid. There is no shame in not wanting to have a child too. There is no shame in telling your kids about your struggle and showing them your weakness. You dont need to be strong in front of them all the time. Show them your struggle and they will learn about the real world and that it’s okay to not try to be perfect and happy all the time. Teach them about resolving conflicts with your partner so that when they are growing old, they don’t become abusive towards their parents or they dont think it’s okay to take the stress out on their partner. Teach them about life skills, decision making and other viable things as well because money isnt going to get them everything. And most importantly raise them to become good human beings. That’s more important than being succesful.