colourless…

O Bhagwan of the most adorable face
I feel so lost
in the ten directions
the mind pulls me to
often it’s hard to know
why am I walking the road I am on
in the glorious sunshine
when all is fine
why am I holding on to a stone
it makes little sense
the little wisdom I had
it seems has gone out for a walk
I wonder when will I have it back
do I run after it
or wait till the sun comes down

Now as I think of You
I never wonder if You are here
I know You are
silently watching all that I do
but I don’t know how to get You
to come to me
to bare my heart
when You know what’s in there
it’s a dilemma like none other
for there’s nothing really wrong
just a sense of loss
of my own self
like a coloured cloth fraying at the edges
I feel somewhat colourless inside

Maybe it’s a passing phase
I think it is
what else could it be
is it not the mind’s way
to disrupt that which is complete
to turn away from You
in search of worldly things
I wish I could make more sense
of my self
like light drifting in and out of a tree shade
the mind can be a confusing place

Not that I am too worried now
You and I
we’ve come so far
somethings will always right themselves
others will fall apart like a house of cards
no saving it then
but You’ll still be there
by my side
no matter what or who falls
from the sky
Your light will get me out of the dark
I think I just miss being around You
it keeps me sane
it keeps me purposeful
in the absence of both sanity and purpose
it’s safe to say that life can feel
quite absurd

I hope to see You soon
like a child running home from school
living in the world changes me
living with You changes me too
it’s a change I welcome
it’s a change I love
Oh what’s it about You
that I don’t love
maybe the colourless feeling inside
springs from being apart from You
You are the eternal dye
and I a fabric lost
your colour alone can make me shine
O darling Bhagwan
this colourless heart pines for You