Compassion with Fear

After a long time, decided to write this blog. One of the key learnings that I carry with me is: “Know your audience very well for any communication that you plan to do.” Based on readership of previous blogs, I came to realization that the topics of interest of the readers and that of my posts do not align (no offence intended) and took a conscious decision to not to share my thoughts to save time for self, as also the forum. However, I am making an exception as I need help from this forum and I know for sure that the Digital Satsang members will be provide the same.

Let me share my recent experiences. I lost my mother on February 2nd after her long fight over one and half years. She was suffering during her last forty-five days and it has been a very painful experience for me. I still believe that my emotions have not found their way as I weep repeatedly thinking if I did everything to relieve her from suffering? I do not wish to carry such emptions as I know they are not healthy.

On March 19th, my spouse was identified having the Corona Virus. I did what was required and fortunately, she was quarantined and  treated at another place with a course of injectables over five days with a nursing staff coming twice a day to administer the dosages. As she was being treated, a Senior Citizen Couple (Uncle is 75 and Aunty is 70 years of age) staying just 100 meters from our residence came out positive on Covid-19 test on March 22nd. They stay all by themselves with their two daughters staying out of town and one staying out of the country. Aunty called me and I facilitated their CT Scan and appointment with Doctor. In past, I have accompanied them in such circumstances but due to risks associated with the virus, they opted to go by themselves in an Auto at the diagnostics center and Doctor’s Clinic. All was going as per plan so far and they were prescribed oral treatment at home.

While returning after consultation with the Doctor, Aunty called from the place they were (outside a medical shop) and informed me that Uncle had giddiness and he has fallen. She asked to me come for help. My initial response was that she can take an Auto and return home as I did not want to run the risk traveling with them. However, she was direct and commanded that I have to come with whatever protection I can lay my hands on. I could not refuse and reached the spot within minutes (it was close to my residence) by car. Uncle was lying on a long chair provided by the medical shop staff in lobby and to make long story short, I helped him get in the car and brought them to their home.

While I kept in touch with both of them and their three daughters and treatment were progressing well, I got a call from Aunty on March 30th informing me that Uncle has a swollen lower abdomen and he is pain. Intuitively, I knew he has Hernia as I had seen my father going through the same. I advised them to consult a Doctor over V-Con and I can arrange for the same; however, Aunty asked me to take him to hospital, which I did. It was ninth day after both of them contacted Covid-10 and the risk once again crossed my mind. I had got my CT Scan done on March 27th and it came out clean. I figured that the Doctor will ask me for CT-Scan if I came positive on RT-PCR test and decided to bypass the test. Doctor in hospital examined Uncle and scheduled a surgery for next morning. I got him admitted and took Aunty to their residence to gather what she needed and brought her back to the hospital. I was purchasing medicines for him when their daughter settled abroad called me and, the short of the long story again is that, she wanted me to shift him to another hospital which I did after completing all formalities at both hospitals. Fortunately, their niece came along with them and she was a big help. In hindsight, the decision by their daughter was right as he needed an emergency surgery due to acute Hernia.

Once again luck favored and Uncle came negative on Covid-19 test before surgery. Even though Aunty wanted me to stay till his surgery was over but I had to convince her that I do not wish to stay long in hospital as they were also treating Covid-19 cases in hospital, which she understood and relieved me. I visited him next day and on discharge day on April 2nd to bring both of them and niece back to their residence. All went well by the Grace of the Divine. On April 6th, I once again visited hospital for follow up visit of Uncle with the surgeon and this time, I was exposed to the indoor environment much longer. On April 7th, I developed severe cough and cold. On advice of the Doctor, went for RT-PCT test and fortunately, came out negative. I was put on Antibiotics for five days and felt better. But there was more in store for me.

On April 14th, father of my childhood friend expired in my hometown while my friend was abroad. His father was all by himself and under treatment. I helped him organize many things for last rites. I wanted to participate in the last rites as there were only my friend and his son to do the needful. I initially planned to just pay my last respect to his father and come back immediately; however, once again concern for myself took over and I began to waver, particularly, when my friend whose father had expired told me not to come. Finally, I asked my spouse and she said you should go, which I did. My friend was extremely nervous at cremation ground and even had bleeding through his nose with high blood pressure. I almost admonished him and told him to relax. He even had a fall from platform on which last rites were being conducted but fortunately, was not hurt. I left after the pyre was lit.

With all this going on, my fear for disease and death re-visited me and with tremendous intensity. I wrote my first blog here Winning Over Fear of Disease and Death, where I so joyfully declared: “I am no longer hypochondriac.” I felt terrible and cried on many occasions for two reasons: (a) Why my faith has wavered because deep inside me I know that fear and faith cannot co-exist and here I was gripped by fear and, (b) Did I declare a win pre-maturely?

I am eternally thankful to the Divine Grace for protecting me during this period. I am equally thankful to my three sisters (daughters of Senior Citizens) who not only thanked me for everything but prayed for me that I remain safe and protected. Needless to say, my struggle continues and, grace once again showed me the way. Registered yesterday for new goal – “Be Calm” on Black Lotus App – just what I needed to help myself. Will remain ever grateful for any suggestions, insights, advise from members.