Confused. Indecisive. Doomed?

Kya karein kya na karein ye kaisi mushkil haye. Koi toh batade iska hal O mere bhai!

Such filmy lines come to my mind, for I am in a dilemma which most persons are in. There is nothing special about my confusion except that for the last few days it’s taking a toll on my state of mind. I am frightened, perplexed, flustered, my heart is heavy, I try to peep into some clarity but to no avail.

I am flustered about my career and the choices I am taking pertaining to the same. I am deeply worried that whether am I gonna end on a mediocre job and pay scale? Questions like what can I do to level up the game, increase my chances of a brighter future come to me. But I get no solid answer.

Of course, I have to do my current tasks diligently with all soul and sweat put into it, but I don’t know if it sounds childish to someone but I want a clear path set for me on which I can tread. I want to make it clear in my head why, how, and what of whatever I am doing for my career.

I want to go abroad. Can it happen? Or will it be just a desire? I want to prove to myself. Can it happen, or will I end a mediocre? The college I am in is mediocre, and the jobs that come in from the placements are mediocre too.

I am not even clear about the specialization I should be taking. Whether it should be HR with Marketing or HR with Business Analytics.

Through college placements, you can get a job in Marketing but I have no inclination for it (I don’t know whether it should matter at all, some say it shouldn’t some say it should); and there no college placements for HR with Business Analytics but I feel I have interest in it(but I have not developed the skill in it so it can be a trap, and I am unsure whether I am capable of building skill in it and that’s under confidence ).

I am so resistive about the fact that I chose MBA for my post-grad even though I had no interest in it. Circumstances made me chose MBA. My mental health was failing and I had to save another year from going to waste. I don’t know how will I work in the corporate world. 

I feel I was more bent for academia but I left that. All over, I have no clue of what I am doing and where it is taking me and this makes me very anxious which I think is not unnatural. Due to my mental health, I suffered for six years and this led me to have poor scores, mediocre colleges and no significant achievements to feel proud of.

I am proud of some things though, one of which is that I battled my depression and mental state and have come out of it.

I still have some anxiety problems, obsessive behaviour and whatnot but I don’t want anything to come in between me and my success. I have to do MBA because my parents will not allow me to leave it mid-way which is also not practical. After that, I may do a job. Should I then prepare for a government job or will I get a chance to go abroad (somehow)? If I do get a chance, I will be so happy. But that may end up as just a fantasy too.

No matter how smart I may think I am still a failure in my eyes. I still get bogged down by small things and have no clue about so many others. I have grown up to become an indecisive person which is not good at all. But I don’t know what to do. I have lost so much time. Samay kabhi vapas nahi ata hai, which is so true.

In any case, I don’t want to end a mediocre in my career. I am willing to work hard but I am clueless and stressed out. 

Wish we could turn back time
To the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep
But now we’re stressed out

-from song ‘Stressed Out’