Daughters & Sons

If I remember correctly since I was thirteen, I had started thinking about what kind of father I wanted to be to my future children, that is, if I ever become one. The cause that’d borne this thought within me was my own experiences of being treated poorly by my father. I learned by observing him what should one not do as a parent.

My father as some of you know is a highly chaotic, eccentric, and narcissistic kind of personality, and the cause behind our family’s poor state of affairs up until the present. He’d crush and pulverized my young eagerness and confidence by comparing me with him, and others, and giving snobbish remarks portraying himself as the best. And that kind of father I do not want to be.

Life had stolen many moments of joy from me, perhaps primarily due to faults of my own, and others, and I feel ambiguous about whether I’ll be able to fulfill my dreams. I dance between ideas and practices of spirituality, material temptations, and habitual vices borne of my senses. Nothing new in this I know, for we are all in this strange boat called life, with bumpy waves crashing over us now and then.

I am eager to be a father and start my journey as a parent, for it gives me hope of joy and the promise of purpose in life, of being the medium to foster and nourish young souls who could go on to do beautiful things with their life. The journey of any desire is however not smooth, and I can understand it is not always easy to be a parent. 

In fact, as premature as it may sound, I have already started thinking about how I will behave as a parent. Sometimes I feel I will home-school my children, and sometimes I open up websites of schools that run on Vedic pedagogy- the modern-day gurukuls, and I wish Swamiji establishes a school in the future so that I can send them there.

I want to teach my children the essence of our culture and spiritual practices, right from the start. I will want them to explore creativity and use their creative energies from the beginning itself. I do not want them to compare themselves with others in a sense of superiority or inferiority, and neither will I compare them.

Above all, I will never allow their marks, bad or good, to define their worth. Only their character is what matters, is what I’ll teach them. I have come to realize that in actuality worth is not decided by a scorecard, but by what you are. If they are noble, and if they are trying (whether actually achieving or not), well, that’s all that matters to me. Of course, I will want them to achieve greater heights than I would ever reach. At least they should not be below me in terms of character and virtuosity. 

Like every parent I will be glad if they do something which aligns with my hopes for them, but, a parent should not force anything on their child after a certain age when they are young adults, which I will keep in mind. Expectations breed suffering, so when they become old enough, I will definitely not enforce myself on them. 

Up till their young adult years is this ‘making them ready for life phase’. It is a long-period project indeed, and one should be ready for it. The child should by this time, become self-reliant and independent in taking their decisions.

I plan to work very closely and intimately with my children and make them prosper, not just materially, but spiritually as well. If any of them decides to become a monk, I will be happy to give them away to the world. For all this to happen harmoniously, it is also very important to be lucky enough to find a compatible partner, and I wish I have someone like that if I ever marry.

Will Smith is my favorite actor, and I adore his acting and character, both on-screen and off-screen.  A few years back, I watched his latest movie ‘King Richards’ which is about the man Richard Williams, who is the father and coach of famed tennis players Venus and Serena Williams. I was awe-struck by the movie which is based on real-life scenarios of the Williams’ family.

This man had this dream to make his children- Venus & Serena tennis superstars, and he achieved this as Venus and Serena both became two of the greatest women tennis players of all time. The way this idea was borne in his head, the plan he framed, the struggles he endured, and the success he tasted through his children, are beautifully portrayed in the film which makes it a truly remarkable watch.

Just like him, I want to be a Nalin Om to my children, to train them to be happy, and achieve their dreams. I have a signed copy of ‘Children of tomorrow’ by Swamiji, which is a delightful read that will come in handy if I ever become a parent. I am quoting an excerpt from Khalil Gibran’s -‘ The Prophet’ which I love:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.