Despedida

I offer my humble obeisance to you Rev. Sri. Sri. Om Swamiji🙏🕉Divine presences can only lead us to the Light and I thank you every bit, for being there.

Wishing you love, good health and peace abundant 🙏🕉🌺

Kindness, compassion and humble character result in human birth; while austerities and the making and keeping of vows lead to rebirth in heaven. Have we truly created heaven out of this gifted life?

~Confucius

Pondering on our sacred existence , sitting here in my little cave ( my little room ) that seem to shower humongous love and care and everything seems all cozily draped in a warm blanket of earthly grace . It makes me humbly  bow down to this ever showering Divinty.

It’s been two years and the bond between me and my little cave is  like a Master and student who keeps guiding me at all moments and also comfort and strengthen me even when little lost.

It fascinates  me many times,  how in the true sense  we humans belong to two womb’s. One of Divine Mother Earth that is our very first Mother, who  with every little grain from her womb keeps us alive and kicking in our Mother’s womb through her nurturing. Our existence is so sacredly taken care of.

I believe  we are all born to be loved, cared and respected. But does this equation change when we are not loved?

One cannot deny the truth that Love is the nectar of our very existence.

It has this holy and sensitive ability to it that can change as to how we perceive other humans or for that matter even our life at large.

They say that the bond between a man and woman when they become a couple is the most beautiful.  It manifolds as a privileged moment where Mother Earth gives us the opportunity to become parents and offers us a big responsibility, to take care of a sacred  being we give birth to.  But in the true sense , how many of us have been responsible enough to even respect Her gifts.

Many children are lucky when they  are born to mature,  caring , understanding and loving parents who provide them with an aware environment that helps them to flourish and bloom well in life.

Sadly there are some children who are born to make way through life in a tough manner . To being raised in a not so conducive environment, which is enough to scatter their very belief in the  sacredness of love and many times even diminish their faith in true relationships.

It’s well mentioned, “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you”, and indeed this speaks  on how our own conduct and character is capable of  leaving a lasting impact on the sweet little ones we give birth to.

I happened to read a post Farewell by dear Sandeep Sibs a few weeks ago here, that compelled me  to write about abuse , ( be it mentally or physically ) carried in families and how it can bruise one’s psyche .

I had postponed writing on the same in the series of my earlier posts on  “Narcissism “ here , few months back. Though some final  major bit of its after effect is still left to be completed , which I shall do soon.   But the matter of  truth is , tapping on to a life full of abusive, dark  moments of the buried past,  is like reviving  it even when you are penning it down. It can get heavy.

But most importantly, good to share on a platform where  someone, somewhere might benefit and learn something from my experiences, as to how pausing and reflecting, to making the right choices matter, to leading a respectful and peaceful life, which is the purpose.

So grateful that  Divine  lead me out of  those dark and horrific times and graced me with immense love and peace. I was equally happy to see my kids move away and be on their own. 

My heart goes out to all the beautiful children, the wonderful women who had to and even those who are going through the traumas of being in an abusive relationship for years at a go with patience, deep sense of loyalty and strong belief , waiting for “that one fine day” when things would get better. When the so called man (husband )  would change, when there would be joy and peace and when life would be worth living well for her and her little kids…..It was shattering to see so much precious efforts that could be used in lot of creativity of making heavenly dreams , go waste in constant running around and dealing with understanding typical human traits and satiate their egos constantly.  

I link myself with this kind of life, for I was with a narcissist and abusive man for good 27 years , and with me my little kids also faced the brunt of witnessing an abusive father.  All their childhood days and my young days went battling and waiting  for that very spark of, “ that one fine day” when things would be better!  But it never did happen. Not that happy moments would not appear, but unfortunately they were short lived or projected as big favours . 

Struggles were made so big that the joy of having a meaningful and simple life was completely shadowed and costed a fortune of precious  feelings that kept pleading for a decent life . It felt that the beauty of His Creation was in the hands of devils. For every time the abuse incurred  felt like  death in disguise. 

Sadly when your emotions are crushed everyday under the  debris of violence it seems impossible to find yourself, and the idea of  giving a decent life to the kids shapes into mere oblivion .  Where your very identity is stripped naked  and thrown on matted streets of life like a corpse, it’s  sad scene to tearfully and helplessly watch how your very freedom of thought is also now under the siege of the other mind.

So much was the impact of the dark environment  that it eventually started to rub on me  that married life is purely to sacrifice, bear and keep putting up with nuisance of your partner for the sake of  children. Though I am sure the children would have been happily saved from all this dirt, had I shown the courage of being a Mother who respected their identity more than their father’s. And unfortunately  all the make belief protection shield that I kept creating  for my little kids was way too porous to protect their hearts to experience the violence in the house.

There were times when the web of stresses started to haunt my very own feelings and my deep values and strong will power battled with each other to get out of the dungeon . Alas! I was way to feeble and preferred to stay in the muck with this thought that I would be depriving my kids of the fatherly figure bond if I take a drastic step to  move away . 

So to ease myself I would pacify my own clarity to make peace with the  wrong doings and revive myself .  What we don’t realize that slowly the mind sets a pattern to conveniently get abused and reap the fruit of  some unpredicted enjoyable moments. 

The biggest irony is that ‘Time’ does not wait for that so called one fine day. As an adult staying in an abusive relationship and dealing with it maybe was well tolerated by me  but it  scarred my little kids with an unfathomable fear that lead to an understanding that this is is how all relationships are meant to be.

Where I as an individual felt so highly of my own parents their good teachings, a loving peaceful environment and memories, I shudder today with this thought of what I made my children witness.

It’s a shame when we are in a relationship so blinded with love comprised of our own immaturity and societal  norms , perceive this idea that giving birth to a child is the only  key to bring about a change in  an abusive, irresponsible so called adult partner. It rarely is the case though. )

The truth is, an uncouth, irresponsible human behaviour and nature only snaps relationships further and keeps damaging the environment. It’s  like a demonic energy that thrives only on sucking the positive energy of their dear and near ones.

I remember an incident when me my son were sharing a very light moment  discussing how love is important for us in life. He looked at me and hugged me saying “ Mom I will never get married in life”. I knew where it came from, because endless times he was the one saving me from getting physically abused by his father.

Trust me, it shook me from within. I cuddled him like a little kid and said, “ Love is our very identity, why would you deprive yourself of its beauty and worthiness because of how others made you feel “.

But in my hearts of heart I cried…. This is not what I truly wanted to give to my children. It is shameful to call oneself a parent if we cannot give a decent life to our  child.

A humble request, be well prepared and  mature enough to the decision of getting married, equally mature to handle the responsibilities this relationship brings in, but even the most, be aware and wisest, to get out of an abusive relationship when discovered in the early stages. An abusive partner will never be loyal or truthful to anyone.

You can put all your effort in trying to make someone happy… but there comes a time when we become tired of trying to fill a bucket that is leaking from the inside.

~Steve Maraboli

My son braved and excelled well in life healing his tender heart memories. He is now a proud father of a 3 year old beautiful angel and an equally loving partner to his beautiful wife and living a meaningful life . But not every child is able to do it. My daughter is living a great life too with a caring partner. But she feels trapped in her emotions at times and does not like to open up too much. Every Soul reacts differently with all that they witness and experience during their growing phase as to how adults behave.

Just few months ago my kids lost their father. They did go to India for the last rites. But imagine their  wavering heart of emotions beating with attachment and detachment at the same time. Aren’t we responsible for these wobbly sanskars we gave them as non healed role models.

It did not effect me at all, probably because I had done and dusted with the muck and moved ahead with my newfound peaceful and abundant self long ago. For in the true sense more than the death of that man for me was how many times my children were left to die to deal with their emotions and  life from a tender age. The guidance, mentoring and care that a father imparts to his children went missing when they needed it the most.

Grateful to the Divine that they sailed through well in life by His Grace.

To every Parent, be well prepared maturely when you plan to bring a precious life into this Universe, a sacred Soul that is a gift by Mother Earth Divine. Disrespecting a child is disrespecting the Divine existence.

Remembering Om Swamiji’s words…

You always draw your energy and inspiration from whoever is the centre of your life. In love, you become the one you love. If it’s a materialistic person, you’ll find yourself becoming increasingly materialistic too. If he or she is a spiritual person, you’ll evolve into a calmer person. If he or she is the restless or narcissistic type, you’ll feel restless and anxious yourself. If the centre of your life is beauty, divinity, compassion, God and such like, you’ll become an embodiment of that. Choose carefully.

~Om Swami

May every child be a blessed with a beautiful nurtured life by divine Grace and every household be full of love, peace, compassion and deep understanding .

To every woman and every child who have battled  the trauma of an abusive relationship….

Just know that life is ever smiling, wholeheartedly giving us a chance to start afresh every moment .

Doesn’t matter how it looked in the past.

You are way above all those who let you down.

Ward off  any anxiousness that compels  to take away your very sheen.

Just keep writing and keep experiencing  a whole new world from your eyes.

Your Soul shall guide you and thy love shall lead you safely.

The doubts, the fears the complexities are only showing to walk the bigger and brighter path.

True Despedida (Farewell) of this  Soul birth is to completely burn  the non existential, younger past of the bruised emotion, wake up wiser and all spirited.   For just remember , you owe nothing to your past  self, but to your present self you owe every bit.

To my kids … Mom loves you❤️ We all braved through gracefully 🦢

Sandeep Sibs, sending much love your way beta🙏❤️🕉

Thank you my Os family for your precious time 🙏

Jai Sri Hari🕉🙏

Siddhika Umesh

*Despedida is a Spanish word that means: Farewell. The title is taken as a ref. to resonate with dear Sandip Sibs post .

pic courtesy: pin interest