Existential Crisis

                                   My humble salutations to Beloved GURU JI. As the days and nights pass our connection with Him is getting stronger and stronger. I always remember His infinite compassion when He says that “I will not betray you.” Only a God can give that commitment. In that way He accepts all of us.. the wise one, the useless one like me… , the ignorant one, the tyrant one….. every one.. just like our Mother  Earth… SARVANG SAHAA…Every moment He is working for us ..AAP NEHI HOTE TOH KYA HOTA…ZINDEGI WAISE HI ADHURI HAI… AAP KE AANE KE BAAD KUCH AUR MILAA….But the road is very difficult. The only consolation is that You are walking with us.. Any way .. I am diverting from my topic.  How many of you are facing the existential crisis in life now  or how many of you have already experienced it?

                                   Of late, I am facing it. I know that in the OS family there are many successful people who are so busy in their life that they will hardly experience it. But again there are some who might face this crisis in their mid-life.  Often it is called a mid-life crisis.  Though the term is vast and deep, let us say it in a philosophical way. It is a modern philosophical movement somehow stressing the importance of individual identity and the search for the ego “I”  in the crowd.  It holds the concept that human beings are totally free and responsible for their actions alone. But this responsibility is the source of their anguish.  It stresses on freedom of choice but then also responsible for the consequence.

                                     In this matter, I will only be sticking to the career which I have chosen. It is the field of acting in Cinema. For me, this is my existential crisis where I am now currently trapped. Why I am saying trapped because often if you are passionate about one thing in life, it is not necessary that your hunger for that particular thing will always be taken care of.  And if it is the road of creativity and glamour.  There are many successful actors out there. But if you will ask me then I will come to the same age old talk… difference between male actors and female actors.  NO DOUBT THAT MALE ACTORS  WILL GET  MORE WORK COMPARED TO FEMALE ACTORS AFTER 40. Well… there are various reasons.. It is like a man can get married at the age of 50 but a woman can not… Similarly, if you will watch Indian serials you will notice there are more female actors than male actors and females dominate in the TV media. This is only because of various cultures and traditions in Indian history. And also you will notice that only some rural area people will watch serials. Urban people’s tastes are completely different. 

                                   Having said that  I remember a very talented Director Late Mr . Raju Mishra (FTII)  once told me that no matter how much talented you are you need to have the destiny to achieve a certain level in the film industry.  Otherwise, it is difficult for you.  Now .. why it is difficult for me after 23years of contribution to this industry… still I am fighting… there are certain things which I lack.  I am not in to any group. I do not go to clubs and do party with people. I do not smoke and do not drink. According to some I am old fashioned and do not fit in some places. A hell lot of people know that I am very spiritual.  Just because I do not do certain things they usually come to the conclusion that I am not fit… How can they compare these minor things to performance? I do not know.  The problem is my INDIVIDUAL EGO… That “I” still believes that inside there is a good actor who deserves to do best. The difficult part is to accept and surrender.. though the ego says I am surrendering and I am accepting but then sometimes it haunts me. You have to practice it always to as not to get affected by the chaos and unfulfilled dreams… But like a distant cry of a dog at night sometimes it haunts. 

                                     A mid-life crisis is difficult to overcome. Should I quit acting? Well whenever I tell that myself I feel I am not saying it happily. I should be happy when I say I quit. But it is like I am not fighting. I am not a fighter anymore.  keep on trying…. keep on trying… how far? What to desire and what not to.. You can only practice to not to get affected. Surrendering is sadhana. It requires tremendous effort.  Being a woman it is more different.  Everything will pass. That is for sure.  Thank you to the Black lotus and sadhana app. In today’s world, they are much more needed.

..Somewhere you need the strength also.. ..