Farewell

Au revoir,

Let me say my farewell to you papa. I longed to see in you a father taking his son to a game, watching tv together, a father talking to me about my adolescence, my father being a loving husband, and my father being the most wonderful father to my sister. Unfortunately you have disappointed heavily in every area. I am bidding you adieu not because you loved me, my mother or my sister. You never did. Had a loving God not been here, me and my sister would have burned to death in that fire. But you didn’t spare my mother. I was granted an extension to my lifeline. Anytime, someone will snap it off and I’ll be gone to the stars.

I remember going to school, to work and you would be lying on the streets, drunk and senseless. I would carry you home, change and get back to work. Other days, I was so disgusted that I would leave you like that and carry on my way. We helped you get all the treatments possible, disintoxication, talking, prayers, accompanying you despite the hate you had for us. 

I don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage. I am you, I have your blood coursing through my veins. You raised me a monster. Yet I have caged that monster. I will never unleash it on anyone. This is your legacy. I wish I could say I loved you dad. I was never a good son and you were never a dad. Yet I forgive you. Your death anniversary is so close. The emotional trauma and baggage I have carried all these years are too much. I am forgiving you from the bottom of my heart. 

I was proud of never sharing my story and pains with anyone. Proud of having endured so much and judging others when they complained about trivial things. My fake vanity! Sri Hari and Swami Ji, please forgive me. If not for You, I would be clinging to those sufferings more tightly than ever. I let you go papa, find your place among where God takes you. Please never come back to earth again, this is my only request. 

Your son who was never your son.