Fear of Enlightenment

One day I contemplated on death and asked myself this question: “If I were to die the very next minute, what would be my biggest regret from this life?”
The answer was simple:

“My biggest regret would be if I died without attaining self-realization”.

I started the spiritual search because I was tired of a life where I was chasing one desire after another like a hamster running on a wheel that never stops. In this birth I have been lucky enough to have the circumstances and the resources required to pursue self-realization.

But who knows how my next life would be?

Would I have the right environment? Will my own nature/personality be conducive towards a spiritual search next time?

Fearing rebirth because of these reasons, I made up my mind to do whatever it takes to attain enlightenment in this lifetime itself.

Fast forward to today, I was having another one of those moments which I call ‘Total Stillness’ during my meditation. As the name implies, during these moments, everything becomes incredibly still and sometimes I end up becoming the stillness I experience. As I observed and observed, a fear arose in me.

A fear that I would disappear if I sunk any deeper into this stillness.
A fear of my own dissolution. 

I am now questioning my own sincerity towards the spiritual search and towards self-realization. Am I searching for the Truth as it is or am I searching for a truth that is convenient for me?

Am I searching for an Enlightenment that liberates or am I searching for an enlightenment that will be another trophy for my ego?

I am reminded of a quote from the spiritual teacher Ms. Jan Frazier:

“Many spiritual seekers who say their wish is to awaken don’t actually want what they believe they do. This becomes clear sometimes at the approach to the brink of what feels like a void, where the obliteration of the egoic self seems imminent. With a shocked recognition of what is being asked, the person will recoil. The scale of the loss- the dissolution of the familiar self is beyond what was bargained for”

I started the article hoping to find an answer. As I finish it, I realize now what has been missing. Surrender. My surrender is only a surface level surrender. It is not total or complete. I need to let go of everything including my spirituality and my spiritual identity.

To find myself, I first need to lose myself wholly and completely.

Thank you Swamiji for being my inspiration and my light.

Thank you Ma. I am a foolish boy who thinks he can do this all alone. Please set my foolish thinking straight and lift me out of this samsara.