Friendships and Me

One of my particular personality traits make me struggle in the domain called friendship. Due to my nature, I struggle to make friends and also to maintain friendships with people. At least, that is how I feel. Or we can say I don’t have as many friends as I want to.

I had a lot of lonely days and nights when I had nobody to talk to. I used to be really sad and upset and in that mental state used to call anyone or ping anyone who was online or could care to listen.

My therapist told me I judge people easily which has been one of the reasons and I am guilty of it. But it is not that I have always judged people, sometimes I can’t just tune in and make a chemistry with them. Anyway, I am not a very extroverted guy but I talk a lot and sometimes I can talk to a stranger like a long-lost friend. When it does not come to making friendships but just to talking and articulation, I am good at it but when it comes to socializing or going in groups I fail miserably.

I am eager to socialize, to meet new people and make new connections. But I also need to get used to my own company. I need to learn to be alone with myself when there is nobody else to spend time with. It is very important because we all, at first, in our own companies and then with others. Somewhere my situation is also responsible for my low count of friends.

My father has a transferable job so we used to shift from one place to another in every few years. By the time I had some friends, I was already shifted to a new place. Now this corona virus pandemic has taken over the world and people are anywhere at home so no way of meeting new people in real world.

Let me share something from the diary of my life. I passed class 10th and after that went abroad for a holiday. After coming, soon I was met with the news that my school will not take me in for class 11 due to late registration even though I scored pretty decently. I moved to a new school. And this is where my stupidity lies. I deleted my old contacts from my previous school and interestingly no one called either.

I was going through diseases and depression in my class 11 but I received no call or message from any of my previous schoolmates. None was aware and none really cared. I lost touch with them. In class 11 and 12 I was in a pretty insane state of mind. I was depressed suicidal and used to cry for seemingly small reasons. I could not make a single friend in those two years. I was anyway just surviving schooling somehow.

I do have friends. Friends I can talk to. Friends I can reach out to. But they are few and not all are so close to me. Somewhere I seek deeper friendships which I fail to find.