Giving Up

Those who knows me on os.me i am grateful. My first post was about my dilemma of being a housewife which i never wanted but nature planned it that way.

I tried my best to accept the life as it is but my social conditioning and ego made it difficult for me.

I have a loving and understanding family who supports me in everyway but i have my own issues….my mind which plays the role of a demon.

With recent few turbulent events and passing of close people, affected me badly . Even two hours ago i cried loud like a baby..now dnt try to imagine tht…not a good visual 🙂

I always wanted to be an independent woman and i was..i lived that life for more than 2 decades but my problem was i couldn’t adjust with the new life that was kind of forced upon me as i was not prepared for it.

Now when i saw how vulnerable life is sply in this covid time, i became more vulnerable.  

I can’t explain what i am going through..it’s depressing and i don’t want to go back to those dark nights again. 

I always wanted to be financially independent and now with no job i feel worthless and this feeling gets more strengthen when I see all my friends doing so good professionally in life.

But i am suffering. I used to earn a handsome amount per month  and now i don’t earn a single penny. I had made up my life and dreams based upon my earning and now i have nothing. I don’t know why but i can never claim my right on my husband’s money, unlike many housewives i know.

This was all so disturbing.  So today i took a decision.  

Today i quit. I have decided to give up on my dream of becoming  a professional again or having a career. 

Whatever i have saved or earn through os.me i will make the most of it.

I cried while declaring this to universe today but this was the resistance i had created and it was a hurdle in my inner peace.  I chose the latter.

I need peace.  I will try to be content and will surrender to my guru.

 Let him decide what’s best for me. 

I have suffered emotionally so much including inferiority complex due to my non earning status. Will try to pen down my worthlessness some day.

Today i just wanted to share with os.me family,  i haven’t told my parents or friend even, that i have decided to not pursue any career and will live everyday as it comes.

No hopes no expectations.  It breaks me but i feel that this is the way ahead. 

This was a ranting sort of thing but as i feel i am not judged here so thought of sharing .

I am very vulenrable, stressed and weak at the moment.  Few weeks ago i had written a post and by mistake it all got deleted.  Tht post had made me appear very weak but it was all his grace that it didn’t get  published somehow but today i am broke, shattered and stressed.  

However i am hopeful now there will be no reistance. I accept myself as a housewife today and promise to do my best to evolve myself better.

Ps: he came in dream last night and today i have taken this decision.  I surrender to my guru,  my kanha. And now i am ready to explore the path which is beyond my understanding or social conditioning. 

Thanks for being so patient with me.

Jai sri hari