Grace – You Deserve It

After a long wait for about 1.5 months, I finally received the Prasad from Swami ji’s ashram. That paternalistic voice that Swamiji had spoken about — It said, ‘May be I am unworthy of it.’

So in my heart, I did not have much expectations to get it. I had already given up. And I was quite okay with it. I thought I need to do more to become worthy of any grace.

Finally, on 12th Jan, 2023, I received it!  Fast forward, 18th Jan, 2023, we had kept a pooja on Ekadasi and, today, when on my way to the temple for donation of the pooja offerings, I lost my rudraksh blessed by Swamiji.

It is only when I came home I realized I had lost it. I went to that temple again, the bag I handed over to the priest was lying in front of me. But  my heart said, that it is daan, so it isn’t right to ask the priest to look for my missing rudraksh. Then my mind gave me an idea, if this priest asks me why you are here, I will literally tell him the truth.

So the priest actually came forward, I touched his feet, he offered me charan-amrit. But he asked no questions. 

That rude voice inside me said, ‘Maybe you don’t deserve it, maybe you are egoistic’ and what not. I was in tears.

I moved to another section of that temple. I prayed to Ganesh, ‘I am in grief right now, please help me to overcome it. I don’t want to cry for what I lost.’

When I had told my husband, about going back to the temple to search for the rudraksh, he thought I had gone mad and insisted he will get me another one.

While walking down the temple complex, I gave up the idea of getting it back ever. Whenever I had got attached to any material thing, I had to lose it. I was just recounting all those incidences. Maybe this was my prized possession and I lost it. I have to just let it go, I still have Swamiji as my guru. And the bead is just a symbol of my attachment, isn’t it?

I then looked down, I could see my rudraksh bead covered in dust lying near the road.

I then told that rude voice, ‘Hey, you ! I too deserve Grace!’