How Deep is Your Love

Namaste didi, my old timer help greeted as she entered the house. She hovered around me for a bit and then quipped, – I have something to request you, do say a yes please. Whatever I say, you have to say a yes.

It almost felt as if I was being asked to give a boon. I laughed and told her…. I am not Shri Hari and you have not even done your share of austerities as yet, where is the question of a guaranteed- Yes? Any way you may share your heart’s desire .

My son’s wedding is in April and I need an advance of 30k. You have to give it. I shall not ask from any other house (she works in 3 houses besides mine). It was a big amount and I hesitated to say a yes. The small mind started its calculations.  Will this money get repaid? She would need a long time to repay. Is it worth the stress of giving and claiming back? Also the reason I am giving her the money is exactly the reason I am trying to work on in my life. I am wanting to cut down unworthy expenses in my life. Marriage does not need that kind of expense. I am fulfilling a need of hers that I am considering as useless in my own life.

On the other side the large mind said,-  She has served you so long so honestly. It’s her son and it matters to her.  How can you refuse her? You are a devotee of The Mother. Can a mother ever mistrust her worthy children. Will the mother be insecure about her child’s promise?

This inside dialogue was going on as I granted half a boon immediately and committed to give 15 k for sure.  She responded.. Give me full or nothing. I won’t ask anyone else. Lo and behold… The lord i.e. me was at a loss of words. 😉

I was crestfallen as I saw my generousness being refused so unceremoniously.

I  decided to buy some time for my inner ‘manthan’ ( churning) and moved for taking a bath.

The flowing water brought clarity and I decided to drop my insecurity for this time and take the gamble of love. Her promise could turn out  as Love’s labour lost in future and I would be OK with it even if it does.

Fake it till you make it, if I want to experience the mother divine, at least once a while I need to act like her.

After my bath I emerged to grant the boon, resplendent in my clarity.

Thus spoke me, – I shall give you 20 k as advance and 10 k as a gift on marriage. No need to ask anyone else.  Funnily I was feeling more like the Shark of shark tank and less like a Goddess.

Any ways, what I realised was how deep is your storage of insecurity will determine how long you ponder over a question life poses. The lesser the storage of impurity, the more the clarity of decision. It does not matter whether you grant the boon or not.

It though definitely matters whether you affirm or deny from a space of clarity or not.

A decision taken from the space of insecurity/ non clarity like the inadvertent Bhasmasur is ready to burn and scathe you each time you take it and revisit it.

Till the inner Bhasmasur is tricked by the Mohini and destroyed… Keep meditating on it like the Shiva- ‘How deep is my Love.’

Jai Shri Hari

Grace and Gratitude 

Garima Goyal