Heartbreak

I think that almost everyone probably dealt with the inevitable ‘pain’ of heartbreak at some point in time. The sleepless nights, the soaking wet pillows and the heart-to-heart talks with friends over cold coffee, may sound all too familiar. If you haven’t experienced these, well, you lucky soul, please let us drown in our misery! Just kidding:) 

Although it may feel like a never ending downhill roller-coaster of emotions and thought tornado, trust me when I say that, given enough time the heart does heal. You won’t necessarily have to always avoid those songs which remind you of the sad or good days. Agreed that time and divine grace are the main ingredients required to heal, but there are some ways that can help us overcome heartbreak like a victor.

You see, heartbreak happens, more than once, due to numerous reasons, which you probably know better than me. But in the middle of dealing with a broken heart or a breakup, the main issue is that emotions take the forefront and the logical mind retires.

Our emotions create a tsunami and all sorts of feelings rise us to the surface. We fail to see the reality of things and everything seems to be doom and gloom. But at the core of it, emotions arise from our desires or attachment to our desires. As Swami put it beautifully here: 

Upon the emergence of a thought, its pursuit will either take the form of a desire or an emotion, positive or negative.

When in relationships or even crushes for that matter, we dream big, and we pursue numerous thoughts. A desire is a thought we couldn’t let go of, and in relationships, as we spend so many months thinking about a specific person and sharing good moments together, increasing the intensity of our attachment as we pursue numerous thoughts, it is then inevitable that the rising emotions are especially intense during heartbreak.

But, the most baffling thing about heartbreak is that the logical mind is basically on vacation. And unfortunately, to step out of heartbreak, we need both rational mind and the heart. These help us make decisions. As we keep on feeling what we feel, without resistance, I’d say give the following a try for seven days. This is simply my take on it, there may be numerous other ways of course.

The trick is to feed the logical mind.

Here are five ways to awaken the logical mind and step out of the cloudiness of emotions:

1.  The other person

What purpose did my presence fulfil in the other person’s life? 

Were you their food?:) I mean, sometimes, we could be providing emotional food, or simply physical, financial and even psychological fulfilment to the other person. An easy way to figure this out is by contemplating about certain things such as: were we constantly praising them? Were we constantly providing them with anything specific or were there certain patterns in what was sought from this person? Sometimes, thinking about how most arguments would happen, does give an insight into this. It could be something as simple as their refusal to open up or avoiding certain situations. 

2. Me

What was the other person doing for me?

More specifically, it is important to question ourselves about the fulfilment which the other person was bringing into our lives.I have elaborated on it here. And essentially, the point is that whichever wordly relationship it is, we seek in others what is lacking in us. We want others to complete us and we put the burden of expectations on others. We are in relationships because we need the other person. Most of the time, after a while, it is mostly due to emotional fulfilment but it could be a variety of other things such as physical, financial or societal fulfilment, to name a few. So, why did we need them in first place? Now that they are gone, can we seek to fulfil for that need from within? 

3. Did I love everything about that person?

I highly doubt that this person was perfect, though he/she could have been! But I am pretty certain that there may have been a couple of habits which you absolutely hated or disliked, and this person had them. However, over time, we become very flexible and end up putting up with these flaws. And don’t get me wrong, if the relationship is working, sure that’s great. But from personal experience, I can say that if we dislike something about a person from the beginning, no matter how much we try to put up with it, over time it gets to us. Because it becomes the seed of the dislike tree. So, think about it. What is it that you hated?
(See! You got lucky! You escaped that.)

 4. Did I actually get hurt? Or was it only my perspective of  their actions?

It is very easy to feel like the victim and blame the other person for hurting us. Most of the time it’s after a few years that we realise how silly and rigid we have been. It really helps to list top 3 actions of theirs which caused us the most hurt. It may be painful, but it gives a great insight into the reality of things.  After identifying these three things, we can then step into their shoes to look at it from their perspective. Maybe we triggered it or maybe they had their own reasons and their own struggles to behave that way. The ego is quick to hurt when it screams me, me, me. I know a thing or two about this, trust me!;) 

So, really, if we take a step back, without judgement and just look at it from their perspective or as a third person, it helps to kickstart the logical mind and get out of victimhood.

 5. What were the dynamics of the relationship?

When we find ourselves stuck in a rut with a clouded mind, it’s easy to put the other person on a pedestal and dwell on things. We contemplate about how the relationship could have worked if we tried harder. But hold on! The overall dynamics tell us a whole lot about the life expectancy of any particular relationship. It’s good to question whether that person was actually worthy of our love. 

If a person treats us like dirt (for lack of a more polite word) now, what is the guarantee that they will treat us any better later? If the person has been treating us badly or didn’t respect us or our decisions, it is very unlikely that they would’ve changed over time. And as Swami says, any behaviour we accept, is encouraged and becomes a habit. If there was no balance, constant arguments and more give than take, chances are that it wouldn’t have lasted that long anyway. 

 6. Can you live without this person?

Hold on before you yell “NOOO!”. Let’s take a minute. Close your eyes and go back to a time before this person entered your life, did you laugh, smile, eat and have fun? Let’s not hurt our friends and family by saying no:)

Whilst, in the past, think back to those good times you spent with your friends and family? That old you who would dance the night away, blasting some 90’s or 00’s classics. Or that ecstatic feeling you had after finishing your favourite book? Remember that fit of laughter which left you gasping for air?

When was the last time you laughed with your friends?

Maybe it’s time to book a spa day, or if you’re a non-spa type gentleman, then what about a good sports day with your mates? Call your friends and offer to buy them dinner! Who can refuse some good food (for free too!)?  If you have no friends, it’s okay! You have osdotme! With divine grace I am sure we can organise a city-wise os.me get-together. Like the idea?

That old you is waiting for you. That old you who couldn’t sleep, out of excitement the day before a good holiday. That happy child is still alive, don’t you want to experience him/her again? Go on! Jump out of bed, call that friend or just torture your sibling to come out with you! Hell, actually, I cannot overstate a good coffee, sitting solo at a cafe! Cafe Lattes never tasted so good! Come on, treat yourself, live again! 

This beautiful story narrated by Swami will tell you that you were happy before and you can be again. You don’t necessarily need that person!:)

Even if you don’t agree with the above, you can still smile!:)

And check your heartbeat … is it there? Good! Your heart is here but it’s just a little bruised!;) Here – sending you some love …