Hulchal Part II – “Me Time” My Theory of Relationship

Remember a day from your childhood when you smacked the ball for four with your cricket bat or took to singing a song aloud or danced like no one was watching? At that time, you may even have thought that this is a wonderful activity that you can just love doing for rest of your life. Yet today you may have just memory traces of that moment while the work that you do now could be making you feel dull and unexciting.

Remember your first teenage love – nothing felt more wonderful than it. A relationship that felt so right and so perfect. Does the wonderful time last? Often not than yes. It gets mostly written off as infatuation or worse impractical.

Family bonds – It feels great when one has the backing and love of a huge family. Yet, the same bonds turn stifling when there is censorship and cynosure is not needed. From a high phase of togetherness, suddenly things slide and from a joint family the split to nucleus family feels practical. Worse, it feels more convenient to not meet up often and instead keep touch only through social media groups. Occasional meeting in some necessary family events become the acceptable ritual for get-together. And the emphasis during these occasions is to keep it light by not asking too many deep probing questions. Invasion of privacy is no more acceptable or an individual need for privacy must take priority. The family bonds that were strong due to the very invasive openness is rendered weak due to inaccessibility.

“Me time” is a common theme for everyone today from a child to the adult. Each individual feels that world is not supportive enough and it is necessary to find private moments or “me time” to recuperate from the incessant hammering from various quarters. For many, this can mean taking a break away from a lover or a spouse or children or family members. 

What is this disease of mind? Why does one feel this quiet desperation and need to get away and what is common to all above seemingly unrelated episodes of life?

This is the effect of relationship and here is my theory of relationship in action. Our relations with each other are fractured and twisted. In the name of privacy and space, we have managed to train ourselves to be closed instead of having openness. Our idea of openness is twisted and unidirectional. It functions to perceive the world only from one angle (the angle of self). Our idea of openness if it happens is usually verbal in nature and does not reflect in our actions or behaviour. This in turn provides conflicting signals to the other person who hears one thing and sees another in actions. We as individuals are unable to relate with one another. The more we “unrelate”, the more we feel a dire need for “me time”.

What is “me time” after all? “Me time” refers to the time we use to seek a connect with something (eg. a sport one was passionate as a child) or connect with someone – a connect that can rekindle the joy one used to get in the past. It is ironic that we destroy our connect with activities or close members ourselves and then without being aware seek for a connect again to feel joyous and peaceful inside. Ever wonder why do we insist on destroying our connect? It is in the name of what is called “being practical”. While practical solutions may feel grounded yet in the name of protecting a fragile self from unknown futuristic pain, they also train your mind and stop you from “dreaming big”! And without being aware we soon start feeling mediocre inside to our own disappointment walking around listlessly with an unknown ache that is buried deep inside. It is this ache that makes us wary of relations.

Unwittingly we tend to shoot the messenger and here the messenger is a close family person who directed or pushed us towards being practical to avoid a future pain that they might have experienced themselves and felt inclined to protect us from similar pain. Relations can be funny as in the name of protection, we often end up killing someone’s dreams without realizing. This is specifically true for parents who also worry about having enough wealth to support a particular lifestyle. On the other end of spectrum, we have the overindulging parent who will insist on fulfilling every dream of a child without offering any resistance. Both the methods have a flaw, the former kills dreams while the later weakens the child’s ability to manage oneself in difficult situations or overcome resistance which it will face from others sooner or later in life. It is in a healthy balance that child learns and grows up to still maintain an open heart.

Thus if today we insist on “me time”, it is most likely the strong instinctive protective mentality within that is responsible for it. This protective mental barrier shuts doors to closed ones and we are unable to see the other side of story as it is. Every word or every action from a close person seems to be provocative attempts to tie or pin you down to what the closed mind perceives as “their way of thinking”. Sometimes there may be a little truth in it especially if other person may also be exactly replicating the same “me time” syndrome like you and choosing to attack for getting it’s way. No wonder that family fights feels ugly and leaves one drained or needing more space despite having large home with separate rooms for each house member.

Being open is easier said than done for adults. Especially when one is already trained to closing the heart as means for protection. The theme of “Being practical” is resonant with the “Global will” tending towards the desire for material fulfillment (more on this in my previous article Hulchal part I ). When everything and everyone insists on protecting themselves, we miss out on the heart-warming love in the air that only an open heart can fathom. (Try to recall your interaction with any child below age of seven to understand what “open heart” means) Our closed mind and heart warps our perception and we end up with an unbearable ache or agony that seems to have no medicine.

When one person opens up the heart, the chances of being used or abused is high in the present era where each action including truly good ones is eyed with suspicion by the other person (Mind Alarm rings “nothing comes for free!”). For the protective mind seeking to open the heart, there is an enormous risks in giving more of oneself even for loved ones or for loved activities without calculation of any returns. Yet the concept of return itself is a concept brought about by the “practical global will” tending towards material fulfillment or personal glory. As per this concept even the “good will and cheers” shared with others is meant to harvest a return for the giver with the least return expected being a heart-felt gratefulness of the receiver. It is this erroneous thought that lays the foundation for quicker shutting back of the temporarily opened heart and rendering an incomprehensible ache. Unless the “global will” leans towards “giving without expectations”, the temporarily opened heart is bound to quickly shut down with the first instance of pain from near and dear. This is where individual desire must overcome or find acceptance with the global will or desire.

The best antidote for protective instincts seeking to shut down an open heart is the act of “Devotion”. Relationship that are based on devotion has the strongest possible connect. With “devotion”, the giver is either less inclined or not at all inclined to expect a “return on investment”. The very act of devotion is itself uplifting and energizing. That’s why tales of devotion always inspires us (most stories that we enjoy watching in movies are usually of devotion whether to a girl, to a sport or to a country) . What discourages us is mostly the sound of global will that keeps insisting on claiming a “return on investment”. Remember your childhood moment of joy- when one plays cricket or sings songs, there is no expectation for a prize or a pat on back, it is devotion to the very activity that provides joy. Practical thinking would have made us not play or sing. Similarly, when we were in teen love, initially there was no demand from the other side, the mere presence of the other person represented joy. It is only with the practical bend of mind – (the sound of a global will), that we started growing expectations and it is these expectations that led to the slow and seemingly irrevocable closing of our heart as we grew. Our focus shifted from what we were getting from the relations (These are now taken for granted or considered as a given) to what we were not getting. As a result, relations sour, and we wilt inside as persons.

It is not over yet. Take small steps- relearn this art that gave joy in your childhood and devote maximum time for practice of devotion by making oneself vulnerable and available to people or activities that matter to you. You can still insist on protecting or guarding yourselves from all others. Becoming vulnerable for people or activities that you care for is the best first step forward. This way, your heart will start to flower, and soon enough, you will sense the fragrance. My personal experiences suggests that on this path if nothing else, you will end up finding a better or stronger version of yourself one that is more joyful and peaceful and more connected to people and joyful activities. When heart opens up, while being used or manipulated does hurt, one does not cast away dreams and is thus more hopeful. And hope gives an inner strength to continue despite the mind perception that a certain incident or event was a failure. Being “impractical” can also be practical sometimes.

​​Let me end with some beautiful quotes by some wonderful thought leaders that sums this up:

“Yes, it is very dark right now, but to find the light you need not go back. To find light you have to go forward. The darker the night, the closer is the morning, and a few have reached the morning. You can see the sunlight in their eyes, you can see the flowers of their being blossoming. You can feel the fragrance that is released. So it is only a question of a little more patience, a little more courage.” ~Osho

We carry about with us the burden of what thousands of people have said and the memories of all our misfortunes. To abandon all that totally is to be alone, and the mind that is alone is not only innocent but young-not in time or age, but young, innocent, alive at whatever age-and only such a mind can see that which is truth and that which is not measurable by words.~ Jiddu Krishnamurti