I am in Turmoil

As you all know that my last post on os.me was ‘I am crying horribly’ as I was experiencing spiritual crying. In the beginning, I was crying while chanting a particular Devi Mantra that I was repeating mentally most of the time, a few days later I was crying while chanting Guru Mantra as well as Lineage Mantra. Some more days passed and I found myself crying while doing almost every prayer, meditation and chanting.
Surprisingly, my crying had increased manifold from the past five days as I am crying even in public places on bus station, on railway station, on road, in market etc. I could not hold back my tears and I am crying more than 100 times in a day. Due to excessive crying, sometimes my eyes hurt. Because of constant and repeated crying for more than two and a half months had made my eyesight weak and I found it difficult to read without proper light.

Too much of crying from the past two and a half months had forced me to put my major business decisions on hold. I was just doing the routine work, that too giving needful instruction to my employees and a bit of financial work. I was not attending any calls or messages from my relatives and friends. I immersed myself in reading as well as listening to more and more books, watching more and more videos to have a better understanding of my spiritual path. I was following a disciplined life with full control over my diet, did regular pranayams and physical exercise—walking or yoga or sometimes both.

I did 40 days of Devi Sadhana and I had a glimpse of Devi two-three times during Sadhana. A few days back while meditating on Guru Mantra I saw myself adorned with ornaments just like a Goddess. Appearance of Devi means success on spiritual path but unfortunately, everything turned upside down.

During these days, my inner voice became strong, it kept guiding me, and answering my questions related to my spiritual journey. A few days back, I realised that it was misguiding me and I felt cheated by my own inner self. Strange but true!

My turmoil did not end here, I found myself struggling hard to shed my negative thoughts towards my Guru. I felt that it was better to drop this body instead of having negative feelings for Him.

I was badly trapped by an emotional turmoil created by my own mind. Emotions are like waves of the ocean and my emotions had acquired the form of tsunami, rising high creating turbulence, hitting me hard and killing me mercilessly.

Some days back, while meditating all of a sudden I started breathing from my mouth; I could not breathe from my nose. I felt breathless and my whole body became numb. I found myself swinging between life and death. This experience lasted for 7 minutes. Next day, it lasted for near about 3 hours.

The problem becomes even more serious as I have not eaten anything from past 108 hours. And my water intake has drastically reduced from 15 litres per day to 1-2 litres per day. Besides that, I also have some other health issues related to that turmoil.

Among this chaos, I forget how to laugh!

P.S. – I am feeling like what Pandit Gopi Krishna had written in his autobiography

‘Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man’, ‘For a long time I had to live suspended by a thread, swinging between life on the one hand and death on the other, between sanity and insanity, between light and darkness, between heaven and earth.’

Pic – Unsplash