I Don’t Feel Like Writing

The confusion in my head has been taking over my positive mood and love for life these days.

Pain body attacks have been reoccurring from late afternoon to whenever they feel, according to their incomprehensible mood.

Like a bunch of two-year-olds running around unsupervised. They are especially active if I don’t eat or if my sleeping is off. Hence I have not been feeling like sitting down and doing what I am right now: putting all this on here; because this is what writing is for me. Accept the vulnerability of who you are and have the courage to share it with those interested to know about it: you, my reader. 

I appreciate you being here. So much. 

I’ve been wanting to wake up early to show up at the zoom calls for the writing challenge here on os.me; meet some of you a little closer and write together. I haven’t. Getting out of bed at 5 am feels like torture for my night owl body. I stay up late, the midnight hours feel so sweet and silent and dark and peaceful. Aside from the occasional street dog and the fountain down the street that naturally spouts water 24/7, there is nothing else to be heard.

Can you see the magic in this?

That’s when I am in my element, not at the crack of dawn, alas. And this is one of the things that has been festering inside my heart like an infection that’s not quite ready to burst. The infection of being a victim of my physical body, of what it needs; its likes and dislikes, moods and habits.

I’ve been fasting these days, to show the physical part of me who is in charge, and I have also deepened my inner practice with lots of moments of silence, mantra chant, and praying. These have not helped me create peace in my head, though. Quite the opposite, in fact. Apparently, there is more stuff that needs to come to the surface, be addressed, and burned into the fire of transformation. Shiva I am your child, hear my prayers.  

Thought after thought brings back memories of things I had forgotten, or so I thought. These moments rooted in the past have now decided to come out as if the long branches of the many trees I am surrounded with were calling them; come out, show your face, what are you, what do you want?

There are images of when my kids were small that feel so real as if I were still in the year 2000; people I met in my long-gone flight attendant years 20 years ago. The many places I visited, when traveling was my career. It’s incredible how much we can see, experience, absorb and put aside. The body is a magician at storing stuff away only to give it back to you when its time is right. 

My daily walks have also been much longer these past few weeks. That’s when I feel a little more peaceful. When the noise in my head seems to find a moment of rest.

I surprised myself hiking to the tucked-away village of Malana the other day. I was supposed to go by car, to accompany a friend of mine who wanted to visit this old remote town I never heard of that sits undisturbed on top of a very high hill.

The jeep had to suddenly stop, though, because of a landslide that had just happened a couple of hours before. And let me tell you, the hike is intense, although definitively worth it. There are various shades of green all around, a gentle breeze, a waterfall right under your feet, and when you get to the top you can touch the highest branches. It feels like you are in the sky. No, it seems you ARE the sky! And in case you are wondering there is nothing, absolutely nothing special about this village. It is full of garbage, the people clearly don’t want you to visit and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. 

Takeaway

Some days are far more challenging than others and that’s exactly how it should be. No one promised life was going to be butterflies and rainbows every. single. day. So, what do you do when the tough hours unfold one after the other and you are there in the middle of them all?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

You take one at a time and you keep going. This too shall pass, like anything else. 

Thank you so much for reading. Your time on my page is very precious to me.