I Feel as if …

Hi everyone. This is my first post.
When I joined this community in Feb 2021, due to many reasons, I made a vow that I would not write anything before Mahashivratri. A few days ago, I realized that joining this community is one of the best decisions of my life.
I have a lot to say; some bitter experiences, some ecstatic, some insights, some pearls of knowledge, the list is endless.
My age- 18 yrs 10 months.

When I am not singing his glories, chanting my mantra, busy with the external world, etc, when I turn inside, I feel in an endless dark tunnel. I feel as if in a dry desert. I feel sitting in a shamshan where I have burnt my past, my worldly emotions, desires and my hopes. I feel as if I am barren land. Anger doesn’t arise, passion and lust don’t stir me, words of motivation don’t move me, even tears have dried, jokes don’t make me laugh. Only when I worship them, my beloved Shiv or Ma Jagdamba, do I feel some emotions such as gratefulness, tears, peace, solace, hope.Don’t want to eat, drink, sleep, laugh, enjoy. Just want to merge into my source, my truth – Shiv. Worldly life has been much simple. Have a sharp brain so no pressure from parents. About 40 days ago when my spirit was howling, I decided to learn Shiv Sahasranam before Mahashivratri. Got it learnt by heart within 20 days. Such has been the blessing of Ma as Saraswati from birth.

Leaving all this aside, nowdays sometimes I feel dead.Then in such silence arises an inner conflict:

Voice A: Some more steps, you will be there.
Voice B: it’s ego
A- this is rudra granthi. Untie it. You can
B- no you are falling prey to ego
A- see I told you it’s rudra granthi. You have reached till here, just few more steps
I – what if I fall, what if I became egoistic, what if I ended up in creating illusion. I don’t want to fall to lower states of consciousness once again.
A- you won’t fall. Believe me. So many things are pointing this.
B – you are unworthy. You are filled with poison, you have no physical guru, these are your illusions.
A- Don’t listen to it. You are behaving like Hanuman and Arjun. You are born with wings. If you don’t fly,and try to walk, they are going to be a burden.