I Realize the Screaming Pain

How do I start? How do I explain what’s going on with me?  

After writing my post, I was in bliss for a long time, many days. But I can’t seem to identify the root cause of my recurring misery. I am again gone down on a treacherous spiral of thoughts and compulsions and I seem to be lonely too. 

I have never found anyone ever who has actually understood what I have gone through or go through. I have battled with myself and my thoughts on a daily basis and I’m again right back to square one.

I feel lonely, confused, compulsive and heavy-hearted. I want to cut-off some of my old contacts, friends and people I had known for a long time…my mind has beseeched me with such distaste.

Somewhat contradictorily, I feel lonely and I wish I had someone who understood me. Perhaps my six long years of mental suffering has morphed my personality and caused me to lose out on opportunities to make lasting friendships but I wish I had more friends and a social circle. I really wish for this for I really feel lonely sometimes.

The one thing I really need to learn is to be able to live by myself without any company to get along with because, I have anyway very few contacts that I can keep in touch with, and phone them whenever. So, I need to learn to live alone. No one wants a clingy person and nobody has time for anyone else. Everyone is busy living their own life. 

I write and writing here is my only solace in difficult and good times both. Swamiji please help my wounded soul. This is my only prayer that Hari please make me walk the path of life with lesser friction…in a gentle way.

I wish I could get out of this phony moodiness that has brought distraught to my heart and walk the path of devotion with more sincerity. I wish I could end all the suffering my mind creates for me. No matter how good I think I have dealt with it, it has even more ways to bring me down.

I feel so heavy-hearted and reasons for it if told will seem vague, but I can’t control them. The water is dirty and the dirt will take its own time to settle down.

I wish somethings in my life could go my way. Somethings that would have acted as a support to my tender psyche. Or if not, I could align myself with what nature ordains. I seem to fall less often than I used to. But I still fall.

I do mistakes. I am full of mistakes. I have done things I should not have done and I still do them sometimes. I wish I could be more mindful about those and live a life of grace directed by not mine but the Divine Will.

Through this I also want to say sorry to anyone I have hurt ever. I didn’t mean to. Perhaps at the moment I just had less control over my thoughts, emotions and actions. But I will do better.

I still may be hurting some people here and there especially my parents when I am not able to work and behave up to the level they expect of me. They get tensed about seeing me stable and getting financially independent. I don’t want to see tears in their eyes anymore because I love them so, I will do better.

And also I understand that people will judge me, misperceive me and that’s fine and they can’t understand what’s going on with me and my life. I can only do my best and I can never keep everyone happy. If I can just be true to my heart, its ok if people leave me or still be contemptuous towards me. 

I dream of the day when small issues of life would not effect me in the magnitude it does today. I dream of the day when I will be able to walk this earth with grace, with lightness and with ease in my heart- the day I will have unlearned the meaning of anxiety to quite an extent.

I seek a contented life, filled with love for everyone. I wish I am able to reach and stay in that mental state. I feel I am able to do it to some extent all with the grace of Bhagwaan Sri Hari. And when this attitude towards life will become my second nature…O! What an achievement it will be…I will be proud of myself.

Thank you everyone for reading out my rants. I hope it wasn’t too boring.🙂