I Struggle with Forgetting..

A beautiful sunny day, with a vibrantly blue sky, the perfect weather for the ongoing cricket practice sessions. All the boys were geared up for one such session and so was I, basking in the warm morning sun and munching on a few dry fruits, I geared up as well. Then the batsmen padded up and marched to bat on the pitch like Greek warriors, the only difference being that their bodies were much smaller and faces too innocent with a couple of broken milk teeth, of course we were just a group of 8-12 year olds practicing for our school cricket team.

Sport builds character, an observation which is surely true, but the ways in which that happens is something one might not find very empowering. You see, just as any sport has the potential to give birth to a sense of passion, determination, confidence, a never say die attitude it also has a flip side.

Bullying is a very common practice which is done in the name of a spirit of a game. Have you heard the term ‘Sledging’, a mature banter amongst two mature individuals, now let’s say you give this tool to a group of young kids who have no idea what harm can a few mean words do to the mind of a young person.

So here is the thing, in simple words, I was bullied everyday by a group of boys when we used to play cricket. From calling me names, to commenting on my body, to commenting on my skills related to the game, they spared nothing. The worst part was, when you play sports you can’t go out there and complain about the ones bullying you, because you see they are your teammates, and even if you did, you are going to get a piece of mind from your coach itself. Atleast that is what happened with me, where I was told, ‘Let them talk, you talk by performing well in all matches.’, well a very inspiring and a very manly advice by a sports coach ofcourse, but let’s see the other side.

No matter how empowering those words sounded at that time, and no matter how well I performed I realized that bullying was simply not going to stop. But what that advice did, was added a great amount of pressure on me everytime I went on the field to play. There were some bad days when I tried my best but it wasn’t enough, those days how my mind spew bitterness and anger and the worthlessness I felt, I have no words to describe that.

I have always followed Sachin Tendulkar, and he would always emphasize one thing about the game, “No matter what, first enjoy the game.”. That is what stopped happening. Everything else was just a matter of time. The thing with toughening up doesn’t work everytime, and somewhere to this day I haven’t forgotten that day, and I often wonder what if my coach would have taken a stand for me, and would have supported me. What if he would have understood, that there is a thin line between friendly banter and bullying. The scars which bullying leaves on the self-concept of a young boy is daunting to even imagine, let alone experience. Although for me forgiving has never been that tough, but for some reason I have always struggled a lot with forgetting.

And this is a very personal and an empowering realization that I had related to forgetting, you see we all try to forget the scars and the wounds that were inflicted upon us. I realized over a period of time, that the hurt that is inflicted on us, sows seeds in our own consciousness, which can and will play their roles if we are unconscious about it. Simple, Bullies are people who were or are bullied in their homes or someplace else. We carry forward the conditioning that we are exposed to. Hence not forgetting and remembering the reasons and the situations behind our wounds gives us the strength to consciously rise above and direct our energies in a better manner. And if we forget what happened to us, or who did what to us, we might again keep ourselves open to the same hurt, because it’s like not learning a lesson.

Forgive but in certain situations it is wiser to not forget…

Anyways I would like to share a poem I wrote on Forgiving and how it actually feels like, when I sit consciously and forgive someone…

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a climb up the tallest hill,
Where reminders of pain come until,
Until the time you reach the top of your zeal,
Zeal to rise above hate’s grinding mill!

The higher you climb the tired you feel,
Yet the dreamy upper view powers the will,
Likewise forgiving is a tiring deal,
Yet is the most important attribute to grow and to heal!

To feel bitter, angry , betrayed, rejected, insulted all over again,
To again live in dejection’s reign,
To realize its rough spooky terrifying terrain,
But yet wanting to stand tall amidst its sovereign!!

The point where you reach the zenith of your pain,
And tears drizzle out your eyes like a shower of rain,
Acceptance then takes birth making you sane,
Then gradually peace is what will emerge as the ultimate gain!

On the top of the hill,
It won’t be the pain in your legs that you’ ll feel,
But the wonder in your heart and the gratitude to kneel,
And the focus naturally shifting from pain to that which has healed!!

For forgiveness is the suture to mend deep wounds,
For it is the womb in which compassion primarily blooms,
Where a sense of lightness and joy innately zooms,
Vanquishing the hidden underlying spectrum of Overpowering Gloom!!

-Vedant Ranadive
-2:28am
-3 September 2020