Into Awakening

Swamiji’s post on ‘The six stages of awakening’ was a very profound post.  I am sure most of the seekers here would have been or may be into one of the various stages that Swamiji has so beautifully elaborated. The same is with me. 

I have been through the stages of discomfort and diagnosis. And was somewhere in the process of discovery when I suddenly plunged deep into disillusionment.  And here in this stage, Swamiji has said that many seekers could actually revert back to their old ways… and sadly this is what has been happening to me.

When I felt the void in my life, I had been in an attempt to discover my truth, figure out what life is all about, and carve out a path for myself. Reading spiritual books, watching inspirational videos, humming devotional songs and trying to be good to everyone around, I actually believed I had discovered the key, the answer to all the questions that had bothered me.

I was under the impression that I had undergone a self-transformation from a self-centred person to someone who cared about the people around me. I was no longer prone to outbursts of emotions like anger and jealousy, and even if I did feel a tinge, I would be easily able to overpower them. I felt I had mastered the theory part of the examination called life, and was now ready to face the practicals, and clear the exam with flying colours.

So I decided to take the plunge into the world outside and immerse myself in doing my dharma. But the world is a treacherous place, and as my interactions with the world increased, suddenly I found myself caught into a whirlpool of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which I didn’t know were still bubbling underneath my seemingly calm exterior.

The ego, which I thought was under my control, now seemed to have a mind of its own. The emotions I had believed that I had “conquered” started to resurface with all strength, carrying me away like a tsunami wave with just no control over myself. With a constantly noisy mind, ever engaged in thoughts related to work or family, I started dropping even the few spiritual practices I had picked up one by one.

Balancing work and family, with no time to spare for myself (that’s the most pointless excuse we all make, but is in no way justifiable) I am drifting directionless like a boat without a sail caught in a storm in the middle of the ocean. Whatever I have learnt (or at least believed I had learnt) seems to have drowned somewhere as I trying to keep myself afloat in this world.

When Swamiji’s post came, it was like a tiny sunbeam peeping out through a hole in the dark cloudy skies of my life, giving me hope that all is not lost yet. I still have a chance, all I need to do is to persist, this storm will clear away too, and as the sun shines through the clouds the rainbow will emerge out. Now it’s like I am back at the starting point, back to the very beginning… the starting of my rediscovery again. This time I have to persist with a strong resolve… to stick on there, no matter what! With renewed faith in God, here I go again…