Is My Devotion True

Is my devotion true?
Am I really worthy of God’s grace?
Will I be ever able to experience Bhagwan closely?

—

Do you find yourself plagued by such questions quite often? I assumed I was the only one in a wavering boat until I met other young devotees distressed with similar thoughts. All very beautiful and warm souls but plagued with excessive self-criticism and guilt. I was shocked to hear their stories and tried my best to soothe their pain, one that I have experienced myself, deeply and frequently.

When the seeds of devotion have taken root in your heart, how can any other deprecating emotion curb it? And for how long? It’s just a matter of time until the tree of devotion devours everything else, filling you with boundless love, every single pore of your existence leaving no space for negativity to exist.

If you must ask questions, ask the right ones that will nourish your faith, propel you forward and not hold you back from going all gaga over Bhagwan. I hope the below pointers shared from my own personal experience will serve as a good starting point to help you find some relevant answers.

1) Has my devotion grown over the years?

The most common mistake we commit is comparing ourselves with others instead of our present with the past. Looking at sanyasis or people in Swamiji’s close circle, it is very easy to form low opinions about ourselves. While the fact, unbeknownst to us, maybe that our spiritual evolution will best happen in an entirely different set of circumstances. Let’s not forget that every individual is unique and so is every soul’s journey to the ultimate destination.

In our desperation to fly to the moon when our wings are just emerging, we end up hurting ourselves. We deprive ourselves of the joy of fluttering our wings and hopping from one twig to another. Instead, if we can find the patience to persist in our practice with a heart full of gratitude for our present blessings, one day we shall land on the moon. And when we look back, the road shall be clearly visible; not one that we’d imagined or heard of, but a completely new one that unfurled itself gradually at every step.

Speaking of myself, I would always question my Mom about the puja rituals at home during my growing years. Because it was just that… a dry ritual that had to be performed to please God (or more importantly, avoid His wrath). I was grumpy on days when I had to do it since it demanded sacrificing some precious sleep in the mornings and playtime in evenings. Many a times, I dared asking ‘Why must it be done? Is God waiting for your puja offerings? What have you gained by doing this all these years?’ Unfortunately, not even once did I get a satisfactory response, always the same stern look accompanied by a customary snub for committing blasphemy. That enraged me even further.

Not that I was an atheist, it was just the way things were conducted day in day out to strike them off the to-do list that forced me to ponder over its real purpose. Why are we trying to please God as if He is a human being – happy when served and angry when neglected?

On the other side was my Dad, who seldom did puja but took a deep interest in reading holy scriptures including Bible and Quran. He would often narrate stories from our scriptures to pacify the crying me when I was a little child. Few such instances remain clearly etched in my mind till date for the impression they left (those episodes deserve a separate post, for another time).

To sum up my equation with Bhagwan, it was complicated…just like Love! A strong internal connection devoid of any rituals or outward expression. I wasn’t sure if God really existed and at the same time felt a great affinity as if He was my own and loved me deeply. On days when I felt no one truly loved or cared for me in the world, I would speak to Bhagwan about my suffering stressing that I knew He is watching everything and concluding with the line ‘ If this is Your wish, I shall bear it silently.’ (To admit the truth, I still do this at times). On other days, I totally forgot about Him remaining immersed in mundane things.

Coming to the present day – a lot has happened in my life, things that I could have never anticipated in my wildest dreams. A lot of pain, suffering, love and faith have gone into solidifying my bond with Bhagwan. Now, I’ m sure that God exists and is the very basis of existence itself, which makes me yearn to feel Him even more closely. And then, there is also great consolation in knowing that while I do not have the eyes yet to see Him, He watches over me every moment benevolently. While I am not a ritualistic person even today, I love doing a few things because they give me the chance to spend time with Him which is the most joyous and beautiful. 

Hey, where are you lost? What has been your trajectory till now?

2) Are there instances of Bhagwan’s Grace in my life?

Yes, plenty! And I’m sure you too will find many if you can just take a moment to pause and look beyond your own actions.

What a blessing it is to live in the same planet as our dear Swamiji, to see Him in person, to do sadhana under His guidance! We don’t have to strive to make our ends meet and can focus on bettering ourselves and doing our bit for the world. Lord has made us capable and kept in His fold so lovingly. And we still cringe over little things turning a blind eye to the Grace that showers over us day and night. He loves us like no other, protecting us every step of the way and doing what’s best for us.

When He loves us unconditionally, why do we allow those venomous doubts to raise their hood and strike? Can’t we just love Him back without seeking any validations, subtle or otherwise. For validations serve our ego rather than reassuring our faith. If we can just love Him silently dropping all external expectations, perhaps our hearts would open up to feel Bhagwan’s love and Grace all the more. And then, the fountain of devotion shall gush forth in all force, uninhibited.

3) Does Bhagwan listen to my prayers ?

Since my hostel life, I never kept an image of God which continued after my marriage as well despite multiple admonitions from our parents (both sets). The reason being we didn’t want to restrict God to a corner when He was truly present everywhere. That was until Sri Hari made His way into our hearts and home. All logic fell apart, all questions were silenced…you know how it is in love, right? One day, I felt a sudden urge to have His picture in the bedroom and without any fuss, He readily agreed to come home in a simple black and white print A4 size. Few months later, when we had moved to a better house, we setup a altar with Sri Hari and Swamiji filling up the space in all Majesty. Few years later, something totally unexpected happened when Swamiji graciously allowed us to live in Sri Badrika Ashram. The dilemma of keeping idols at home or not met the happiest ending with our sweet Lord keeping puppets(read us) in His magnificent Home.

So, you never know what’s in store! Your prayers might not be answered the way you want them because He is sending better things your way. We can never understand His plan, ignorant fools that we are!

Forget all your demands and complaints. Do not gauge your devotion on basis of fulfilment of wishes. If you still feel Bhagwan is one of your most loved ones whom you long to see and enjoy His presence, you have come a long way already. Your mind may be still confused, but your soul knows where it belongs and is inching towards its destination stealthily. The beautiful smile that flashes on your face when you get a glimpse of Him, the sweet bubble of joy that explodes in your heart are beyond comprehension. The mind fails to understand what the heart knows. If you have stood in front of Sri Hari in the temple even once, you must have witnessed His wide, bright-eyed smile and welcoming arms. How openly He expresses His affection towards you. What more affirmation do you seek? Come on, drop all the petty stuff now … just listen to your heart, allow it to soak in divine love and shed some tears of joy, some of separation.

Your devotion is true and pure, nothing can pollute it because the source is not you, it flows from Bhagwan Himself – the Eternal and Spotless Truth.

If none of the above helps and you still feel lonely and abandoned, just remember Swamiji’s words that He is walking beside, in front and behind us. What else is there to fear? Let’s continue putting forward those baby steps boldly and one day we shall arrive at Bhagwan’s abode.

P.S :  Penning down this post wasn’t easy because I have lost touch with writing since quite some time. Honestly, I did miss writing and missed you too. This post would be incomplete without a mention of how dearly I love you all as it is your love that inspires me to write, always. Hope this piece is worth your time and conveys my intentions well.