It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

This is well inspired by an article that made me emotional after a very long time, Hetal ji’s ‘A letter to my daughter’ which was very heart touching. I loved it so much.

I wanted to write a letter to my future daughter but then I remembered I don’t want to have any children :P. This is for every kid who I hopefully get to sponsor in my life, for kids younger than me or even older than me, I might not always be available on calls or emails or messages but I hope my words will always stay with you. They are a result of my hours of contemplation, meditation, self-care, cried-out nights, experience with people and of course bookish wisdom that comes from my mini library at home. I will talk a bit openly here, so some points are for those above 16 years of age. Please skip those if you are not yet there.

As you grow up, and enter your late teenage or early twenties, you will realize that  your mind has a mind of its own. It will make you think the things you don’t want to think about, regrets that you don’t want to have and decisions that you are embarrassed about. It will try to push you and make you feel guilty about a lot of things you did, things you said and people you met. It’s easy to say “Don’t let it get to you and move on.” but I know it does anyway and people not understanding the depth of your distress doesn’t help either. For times like those, I have just one thing to say, drop everything and feel it. Don’t be in denial, don’t try to bury yourself in work, friends, movies. Whenever you feel hurt, feel it. Whenever you feel distressed, let it in.

I had a tooth extraction surgery today but before my doctor could come to the conclusion that my upper molar had cavity, he had to take an x-ray first. He had to understand the ‘depth’ of my case. Only after that he could suggest treatment. This case is the same with our hearts as well. If we are hurting and we don’t let it in then we will always be unaware of what we feel and how deeply we feel it. And whatever it might be, you are obviously stronger than it, that’s why you are still alive right? There are tons of people who commit suicide because they could not handle it, if you are still breathing you are a strong soul! So don’t worry, if you were strong till now then you know how to take care of yourself and you yourself are enough . You don’t need a youtube influencer to come tell you that it’s gonna be fine. 

These are the things, I suppose nobody talks about a lot. The confusion, the void, sometimes you feel empty, other times just bored. Sometimes bursting with energy and sometimes with feelings that you can’t even define. It’s completely normal, they bother us because we open social media and see others enjoying with their close ones and we feel that we are left out.  But that’s not the truth, it’s our perception that makes something good or not-so-good. Coming back to my surgery today, I asked 20 questions before they started and all of them were about “Will I feel pain during that? if not then will I feel any pain after that? okay what about after anesthesia wears out?” 23 year old me asking dumb questions driven by fear like a 2 year old. But the kind doctor just nodded and smiled and answered all of them.

I was injected with anesthesia twice and after a few seconds the right side of my mouth had frozen. Suddenly I could feel the weight of my own face, wow my face is heavy! After that I did not feel a thing, I could hear sounds by which I could tell that he was applying a lot of pressure with the medical tool to pull my teeth out. Like pulling a plant out from it’s roots. I wondered “Is it the same tooth that pained so much at night that I could not sleep?” Even when water touched it, it used to pain so much and now it was being pulled with so much pressure and I did not feel  anything. A physical part of my body was removed and I did not feel it because I could not perceive it. So is it the situation that makes us hurt so much or our perception of it?

If I abuse you in a language that you don’t understand, you would not feel bad, you might even think I am funny and laugh. Same goes with everything in our lives, when we attach ourselves to a goal, a person, a job then everything about them effects us too. If we could just understand and make the distinction then it gets so much better and the best way to create that distinction is to meditate correctly, I mediated for almost two years but that did not bring any changes in me, then I learned about right ways of mediation  and the effect was almost instant. What I do is, I take it on me, if anything went wrong then it was my fault, if anything went amazing , it was my merit. That way I get to be in charge. If we are hurting and we blame it on somebody else then we lose control that very moment because we cannot change the other person. It’s always better to be the master of your own destiny and that’s a trick that has been my anchor.

You will definitely make mistakes. Mistakes won’t make you weak, it only makes you human! Nobody was born as Einstein or Osho. We feel guilty because we think it’s not okay to make those mistakes and hustle culture makes us think we are running out of time but no we are not, there is always time to learn. You can wake up tomorrow as a completely new person. If you can’t make amends for your mistakes then do the next best thing- try to never commit them again. Everybody is not the same, and we all are changing, specially at this age, mentally, physically, sexually and  emotionally. While we expect everyone to be considerate about our feelings, we sometimes fail to understand that they genuinely don’t see things our way and it’s not their fault. Even if you feel like lashing out, don’t, because remember that it’s not their fault. 

Kids below 16 may skip this point. We Live in a country where talking openly about sex is a huge taboo probably not in our generation but yes it still exists evident by the fact that we were not given a proper sex education. On one hand we can’t talk to our parents about it and on the other hand we will be humiliated by our friends if we did not know the things that they do, this is something that I faced and honestly, I am still traumatized. If your friends know things that you don’t, then it won’t make you any less cool. You don’t want to learn stuff just to impress someone else and you don’t need to hurry to get yourself sexually experienced, A lot of things we see or read on the internet are misguided. I know that because in order to get my self  educated and heal from the trauma I faced as an unaware child, I read tons of material about intimacy. I will be surprised if there is something in the area that I am not aware of already but most of it is not practical and not something that everyone will be comfortable with. When it’s with the right person and at the right time, none of those cool things will matter. Love matters more. 

At the end of the day, we have to be strong for ourselves, we are the only constants in our respective lives. Like I said before, taking control of our feelings, our actions in life is much better than being a victim of someone else’s behavior. Seeking emotional support from our close ones is not a bad thing either, but relying solely on them is. That way we lose control on our own emotions. Like being dependent on a pain killer. I like it the best when nobody is there for me, that way the only person helping me out is me, and I can depend on myself one hundred percent.  This may be a little scary in the beginning but eventually it becomes a great strength. 

And lastly, I know trusting people becomes hard, if we have had some terrible experiences in the past. But remember that we are going to meet and become closely involved with many people. You might choose not to forgive or forget them but no matter how they treat us, we should never let that take a chunk of our compassion. I saw people turning ice-cold after experiencing poor relationships but that’s just punishing yourself for someone else’s mistake. Don’t be cruel to yourself there is a whole world out there to do that for you. The love that resides inside you, makes you who you are, never let anyone take that away.

This was all from my side today, This platform has so many brilliant kids who are intellectually and spiritually evolved beyond their age and you guys write so elegantly that it’s a genuine feast to the eyes. To all my lovely kiddos here, I don’t want you guys to be misled as I was, even if I don’t have answers to all your questions, I will definitely make it easier on you with no judgements ever  🙂  

Love,