LIGHT AND SHADOW

As I held my Fathers hands, he guided me through the numerous Trees and Lawns around our home. I spent my days in one of the award-winning gardens around the home, when I was not being naughty at school. The light poured through the mango trees as I squinted my eyes to look at the blue sky. I asked my father why did the raw mangoes need to go into an old unused bathtub in the shed at the back of the yard. It did not help, that his answer was dinned out by the rooster deciding at that time to have a fight!

Carefree days where we explored unhindered. Curiosity at the simplest things- well how did the “Girgit”, the massive Indian lizard, get fat- oh well he ate that rooster! Simple days filled with light, laughter, and life. Going into school and having bad days meant a friend who did not listen to you! On a day typical of birthday celebrations, growing up in middle-class India, I thought I was queen and fought with my elder sister on a very trivial matter- well it wasn’t trivial then. Banished promptly to the “drain” outside the house- spending a dark night alone was a lesson well learned. Morning and mother’s guilt meant kheer, the delectable Indian rice pudding, and kisses! And all was forgotten.

Any hint of a crossroad, a thorn a dark thought was promptly handled with a tear and a family gathering.

The window to life as I lay down lazily on the bed was the stream of sunlight, with creepers coming in only intermittently and I could push my arms out and play with the butterflies.

I distinctly remember the period I felt I had climbed up the life ladder. Meeting my life partner and getting married, having support with barely a care. Jumping from carefree to motherhood meant my life was divided into boxes with distinct bars. Some are easier than others. Remembering my childhood window, I tried to keep as much light in for the family, giving them the laughter and life I have experienced. The girls grew up, fell, learned, and tore my heart. My work took over and it seemed I could not keep that light in.

Is this how it was meant to be, I thought in my small moments. The window from my bed this time had more dark and the more I hit at the creepers the more they tangled. “Why do I not have a boyfriend when all my friends do?” My 19-year-old asked. Dealing with her inner demons and insecurities- I was ridden with guilt- did I not do enough?

Last week, as I spent 15 hours flying through the crowded airport at Heathrow, having spent 20 days with my elder girl – life has come a full circle. As she goes about creating her own curiosity and chaos, as she laughs and lives …I realize that the deep dark questions were just the pathway to the light.

Entering my 50s- life is joyous and glorious. Curiosity- well I am writing aren’t I? Who would have thought I would climb a 45-degree gradient mountain with wobbly knees and coughing lungs? Exploring the top, as wind and light swirl around me, life begins anew.

The window below my bed has its cross bars and its creepers and they dance to new sunlight casting a haloed light into the bed- as I am caressed by the light dancing on my toes I am amused by the Light and shadow and the eternal circle of life. How wonderful to sit here today!