Loneliness

There was a time when I struggled being here. On planet earth, that is.

Loneliness felt like a New York City rat gnawing at the inside of my pancreas.

And waking up for another day hurt. Like a hammer banging on my heart. All. the. time.

I hated Sundays because I didn’t have to go to school. Feeling lonely was even heavier at the end of the week.

I used to pass those afternoons locked in the bathroom in our Milanese apartment on the fifth floor of an old building. Smoking one Merit after the other, looking out the window strategically built in front of the next-door neighbor’s bedroom. I got to learn a lot about them those days.

I was one of the few teenagers happy to go back to class on Monday. At least I was sitting next to someone. And the emptiness inside my heart got soothed for 5 hours. Nourishing rose balm for my wounded self.

In full disclosure, the guy I was sharing my desk with was not a gentleman or a gentle man by ANY stretch of ANY imagination.
He grabbed my left hand one day, in the middle of lunch break, and put out a cigarette in between my thumb and index finger. I can still see the mark of his idiocy on my aging skin. There is a darker spot there. A constant reminder of his stupidity.

He contacted me some years ago asking for forgiveness. He repented or something. Of course, I forgave him (did I?). I did not forget, though.

So how did I crawl out of the dark pit of loneliness to make it where I am now?

Because I did make it out of there!

How did I become the woman I am today? Who longs for moments in solitude? Who wishes for no one around? The only human on a deserted beach in Thailand.

It was a long road, let me tell you. And a painful one.

No one said change was going to be easy.

It’s quite the opposite.

To come out of a situation that no longer serves us, you know which one it is for you, takes courage, consistency, and faith.

The latter is ultimately what saved me.

When it felt like the pain in the pit of my stomach would suck me in and make me wither, I started to pray. I didn’t know to whom or what. I asked for help to either get me out of there or give me the strength to understand. What was the point of so much malaise?

And so my journey of connecting to something bigger started.

This is the same energy that has kept me going over the years. The nudge I graciously receive every morning. A blessed ray of sunshine even when it’s dark. I open my eyes, and there it is. It carries me out of the coziness of sleep straight in front of my altar. A tea candle lights it up. A stick of incense fills my nostrils with something sweet I don’t know the name of. Sandalwood mala in my right hand.

I close my eyes.

I surrender.

There are no more unanswered questions that keep me up at night. It all makes sense. All follow a divine order I don’t need to understand.

Let me ask you.

Do you want the struggle to end? Do you want the pain to leave you?

Let it go. Let it all go.
Offer it to something bigger than yourself. You don’t have to hold all. this. weight. on your shoulders. You are making it difficult for yourself.

Stop that.

Stretch your hand. Any finger will do.

Let the divine hold it with grace and tenderness like you would soothe the broken wings of a baby canary.

Imagine a best friend always by your side, without taking up space. Who has an unlimited amount of love for every part of you? Who doesn’t want anything. not. a. thing. in return. Except for you to be you. Exactly as you are.

Not sure how this works?

Let me show you.

Thanks for reading.