Love Sick

Sometimes I become a little depressed in a desperate yearning to meet Swami ji and feel an incredible loneliness. Then I open up os.me and start reading through random posts. Today was one such ocassion. I must confess that I have actually read more posts written by the devotees than I have read Swami Ji’s. I tend to bunk the vast syllabus of His teachings and instead sneak out of the class, hide in this library and feast upon the devotional stories! I have read most of Sadhvi Ji’s books containing the captivating personal accounts. The Book of Faith and Om Swami as we know Him, has been devoured cover to cover. What can I do! I fell in love with the bhakti of the bhaktas. Eternally grateful to Sadhvi Ji for compiling those.

The kind of faith that I get to witness on os.me everyday, all the tales recounting first meetings with Swami Ji, prayers answered from miles away, when He heard every syllable of the silence, the lamentations and the longings! All of this in itself qualifies to be composed into one Periya Puranam or the Bhagwatam itself.

It is incredible how every one of you keeps encouraging eachother to be creative, and every little act is indulged with compassion and boundless love.

Your kindness reminds me of an amazing experience, which happened back in 2015, when Sri M was undertaking the Walk of Hope from Kanyakumari to Kashmir. Measuring the roads on foot, visiting famous religious places, meeting the locals, and holding satsangs and kirtans at every stop, the satsangis led by Sri M had finally reached Madhya Pradesh! When the Walk of Hope was about to arrive in Rewa, I was there in the crowd waiting to welcome Sri M. It was the first time that I was going to be in his physical presence and see him for real! Forget touching his feet, I was so shy that I kept walking at the very end of the group, not even trying to go up to the front to walk next to him or even behind him. Since I was wearing all white according to the dress code, the satsangis noticed and started talking to me. As soon as they found out that I had only joined in the Walk for a short while, and had never met Sri M before, they started nudging me to walk up to the front and seek his blessings. But I was extremely hesitant. And then the gentle nudges turned into soft pats upon my back. One by one, they tenderly held me by the arm and kept pushing me forward, until I found myself right beside Sir. I could barely look at him, forget touching his feet and my face flushed when he smiled at me. I thought that was enough, but then they told him how I was not willing to budge and they literally had to push me forward. Sri M started laughing and everyone else kept teasing me all through the way, from Rewa to Raipur Karchuliyan. I felt like I was already a part of that group, like I knew them for a long time.

You all remind of those satsangis. Reading your stories and experiences, I feel like I already know you, and your encouragement like those gentle pats on the back pushing us onwards.

Swami ji has not only made sure that we always remain in satsang through os.me, but He has also brought us all together like Krishna held up the Govardhan, and brought all the Gokulwasis under One shelter. We all keep gazing up at Him, yearning for Him. I read somewhere, that Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.

One way or the other, all of us are only ever looking at our Beloved Swami. Whether chanting His name, following his meditations, complaining to Him about this thing or the other or writing love sick notes. Our mutual love for Swami has united our consciousness as well. And the most profound reflection of this can be seen in all of our writings. Whenever I feel like writing down my own feelings for Him, someone or the other ends up expressing the very same emotions whether in poems, prose, bhajans or a collage of old memories.

The Sorcerer Supreme Swami Ji leaves me tongue tied, as my cries become evident through all of the poems written by everyone for Him. Not one but innumerable songs, like chanting His Sahasranamam!

And I feel relieved, because at times I end up doubting my own emotions. I do not know whether I am capable of surrendering to Him with a pure heart. And whenever I read dedications written in His Love, I get this reassurance that pure or not, my feelings are worth holding on to. I get assured of this, again and again through your writings. This extreme level of emotional validation works like औषधि for me. 

Thank you!
I am infinitely grateful to all of you amazing people, for stringing together these stories, like a japa mala that I can chant upon everyday and rejoice in the sweet agony of separation.

It is like there was this endless queue before Sri Hari’s vigraha and a devotee standing at the very end holding a single lotus in her hands, awaits her turn. But then she asks the person in front of her to pass it on to the next in queue. And they keep passing it forward, the fragrance of their hands mingling with that of the flower. And eventually it lands upon Sri Hari’s feet, smeared with the sweet passionate sweat of all the devotees combined.

So after a lot of over analysing, I decided that I would pass on the lotus to all of you and ask for your kindness, so that we may surrender this upon Swami Ji’s holy feet together, as our mutual love for Him gains expression through each other’s words..

This is to Notify that..

“I have fallen irrevocably in love with You.

I look at You like I’m a drunkard.

So mesmerized, that I forget to compose myself.

I forget that I ought to behave!

At times Your countenance is so hypnotising

that I zone out.

Your words become inaudible and I keep gazing at You.

I will not lie,

sometimes I tune out during your discourses, 

And my mind stays focussed only upon You.

Like a snake under the trance of a flute,

I sway following the movements of your slender fingers.

I play and replay the magnetic gestures of your eyes.

I might forever remain an agyani, Bhagwan!

Because after every satsang, the words I forget

And only carry the after effects 

of that addictive smile, that tinkling laughter.

I can shamelessly announce that I have become an addict.

As I get restless whenever I miss a dose.

Knowing that You have gotten hold of me now,

I am sleepwalking through life.

Entranced, putting one foot in front of the other,

Yet aware that every step pulls me closer to Your abode.

I do not ask for deliverance from this madness

Just a touch of your lotus feet.

That holy dust, I will smear upon my body like ‘chandan’

Only to be driven beyond craziness with your enchanting fragrance..

If this is my state even without ever seeing you up close

What is going to happen to me when I see you face to face!

My heart pulsating in anticipation

Might leap out of my chest

And land into the hands of its Master

For you, oh mischievous one, have already captured my every heartbeat.

Like moths to the flame,

now I just want to perish in Your Love.”

Dedicated to my Swami and his Gwala-Gopis ❤️🙏🏻

Picture credit: Lucrezia Carnelos on Unsplash