Mind O Mind, What Art Thou?

Thanks to this wonderful platform which Swamiji opened up for us AND @medhashri who seems more like a magician to me than an editor AND everyone who commented on my previous posts, I feel I have some sought of foot in the door. I’m attending a mindfulness workshop that Medhaji is conducting. And I have resolved to write one post a day. My self sabotaging mind is dragging me down with all its force right now. Its amazing what strength it has. And as I try to work on myself it seems to wake up like an untamed dragon and manipulate me. It has so many strategies. So many aces up its sleeve!! (Gosh! I wish I could deploy a few of them in my day to day life to solve some real issues ) It gives me so many reasons to not write. Or not exercise or to not eat healthy food. Or surf the net. Or to not do the stuff I need to do! It convinces me before I know it. Ohh and its best and most effective technique is FEAR! That’s its first weapon. My reaction to every situation in my life till date has always been fear! The neural pathways are so deep and so well structured that any situation I face, and my response is instantly fear. Then an uncomfortable feeling in the heart and down the familiar rabbit hole I go. To torture myself further I’ll read the success stories of many people who have been successful at taming their mind or getting over procrastination and are now shining and instead of feeling motivated, I will convince myself ‘Hey you’re 50! Too scattered too old to start and no good!! ‘ All done I will go back to my familiar place of discomfort.

 Second weapon if fear doesn’t work is guilt! Randomly a thought will arise of how badly I spoke to someone today, my speech wasn’t kind enough, wasn’t gentle enough, and BOOM, job done. Conclusion – I’m no good I’m not going to change. No point in trying to be a better version of myself. It ain’t happening. Down the neural pathway, a familiar one at that.

Third deadliest weapon, Sloth. A feeling of disinterest, feeling sleepy, and my mind really smartly sabotaging any self improvement strategy. Now its really forceful and won’t let stop trying till it pushes me down this road. Now I’m bored in life, lazy and ready to quit. The icing on the cake is that I am on very strong anti-depressants, so they anyway blunt all emotions including motivation and enthusiasm for life. So the mind has it much easier in my case.

But here I am writing this very post and sending a clear message to my mind that I am watching you! So*Big brother is watching you!! (*this line is from the book 1984 by George Orwell)

PS This has been my self-improvement journey (not anything to boast about 🙈) so far and it might sound bleak but I have a lot to be grateful for, which I thank God for everyday single day. Though I may be sad, anxious or messed in my head but with Swamiji in my life I know and feel that I’m surely going towards the light.

All glories to Him.