MY GUILT !

‘’If you don’t get what you want, it is a sign either that you did not seriously want it, or that you tried to bargain over the price ‘’

Rudyard Kipling

It was a beautiful morning. I parked my Scooty at the gate of the municipal park near my home.  Nestled in a secluded area near the hills, the park looked like a private garden. Spic and span with well-trimmed green lawns, a walking trail, and benches to sit outside the lawns. A small dome stood in the middle of the park under the big peepul tree.  Sun was shining bright after a heavy downpour. If you can avoid the pestering mosquitoes everything was just so perfect for a meditation getaway.

I walked to the middle of the lawn and sat down on the green grass.  This is my regular meditation spot. I took out my mobile and opened the Black lotus App. Today I am doing Zazen meditation with Swamiji on the app.I choose the park for Zazen because it gives ample space for the Kinhin meditation the second part of Zazen.

I sat in Zazen as Swamiji’s compassionate voice poured in. There was no one in the park, maybe one or two walkers. There was occasional traffic on the road. But I sat there like an island and the world around me was a flux.  There were thoughts coming and going. There were still moments. Suddenly one thought came and distracted me.

‘’ Why am I sitting here?’’  

‘’Why am  I sitting here  like an island while the world around me is a flux?  ?’’

‘’ Why I am so different ?’’

The answer also came very fast in the thought wave.

‘’ to sit here like this all alone in meditation , I must have gone through a lot of struggle ‘’

The perfect answer !

Guys, I have gone through a lot of ‘’struggle’’. And that is our topic today.

That is a piece of good news for our writing theme of the week. But I have stopped struggling with my struggles by The Divine Grace of Swamiji. Long back, the situation was not the same.

Today’s topic is whether ‘’you were victimized.’’

Yes, I was.

I was victimized in my childhood by the divorce of my parents. Probably I don’t want to elaborate on my childhood trauma now, but I will say how it all happened.

My mother faced the pains of a bitter divorce after a bitter marriage as soon as I was born. She was too young and beautiful. She definitely needed to move on. And she did. I was adopted by my mom’s maternal grandparents. I will call them Gramps . My Appooppan and Ammoomma.

I was a happy child. I didn’t know I am going to face the loneliness and absence of my parents in my life. Mom soon got a job in CDA , Pune and soon a  gentleman walked into her life from the same office. They were soon married. Mom started her new life in full earnest in Pune.

Meanwhile, my father also moved to Dubai, got remarried, and started his new life.

My loving and powerful Gramps took care of the little me. They never allowed my father or any of his relatives to come and meet me. It was obvious mom underwent a lot of miseries at the hands of her in-laws which led to the divorce. So my father after trying a few times to meet me left to hope and left me.

I grew up in the lap of love. But sooner I realized the absence of a father and mother in my life. Mom visited me during vacations, and this only increased my agony. I cried bitterly at the railway station when she left. I can still remember how my Gramps dragged me back home from the railway station. It was such a huge void! It was my own and I had no one to share. Tried to find him

I knew my father’s house is not very far from my house. As a child, I longed to meet him secretly.

I tried to find his face in all strangers I met.  Maybe, it is my father waiting for me near the pan shop at the school gate? He might come one day to meet me when I went to temple.?

Maybe I will meet him at some wedding or my cousin’s home?

But I never met him.

I knew he was working in Dubai and he had a son too. I came to know my father looked very handsome like a Hindi movie actor. I also came to know he is an alcoholic.

I grew up and the pains and void grew in me. The feeling of guilt was too much. I saw my father’s village sitting from the window of the bus every day while going to college. I can simply get down and search for the house. My granny lived there, and maybe even I have an opportunity to meet my father.

I could never bring up the courage to do this.

I was tied by an invisible chain. I can’t break the heart of my mom, more than that I can’t break the heart of my Gramps who is doting on me. Fulfilling my every wish. I was ‘struggling with my guilt’ everyday. I cried quietly into all the dark corners of our old home, onto my pillows. I could never ‘overcome my guilt’ of not meeting my father, not even trying.. I was ‘victimized’ by my own parents.

After my studies, I came to Pune in pursuit of a career and a future. I got married and got two lovely kids. Later I came to know my father passed away. I am sorry if I hurt you father. I always had you in my heart. The scar was huge and I thought it would never heal. But Swamiji came in my life. He healed me. I started looking at Him as my Baba. What more is needed?

Now, dear readers,

If someone is going through the same situation what would be your advice?

See you in the comments. Love you

Jai Sri Hari.

PS:

Thank you Medha Mam for sitting with me through this writing. Giving breaks during writing and making it a truly homely experience.