My Guruji

My friend circle is small , really small. And not because I am so discerning in my choice of friends but more because I lack the social skills to nurture relationships and keep up with the expectations of constant texting, talking and meeting. So the few I can call friends, I am making an effort to stay in touch a little more this year.

To show my commitment, I invited my best friend and her husband for an impromptu homemade idli sambar and coconut chutney dinner. You see, they are the quintessential chole bhatura punjabis and us the idli dosa madrasis. I was showing my bestie my new obsession, collecting Handloom Kanjeevaram sarees, while the conversation encompassed a plethora of  topics ranging from Indian weaves to weavers to health and wellness, daily routines and discipline. In the course of that conversation it so happened that I brought up Om Swami many many times. ( do not be alarmed. It was with regard to spirituality and discipline and not sarees) A fact that I did not notice until my friend commented  “You seem to be infatuated with Om Swami”.

The comment stunned me into silence for a few seconds. Infatuation, infatuation with my Guru? How absurd I thought. That comment stayed with me long after the dinner table was cleaned, dishes put away and goodbyes said. I plucked that comment from my consciousness as I sat on my bed and examined it some more. It seemed so funny and inappropriate to me. 

Because you know what I feel? It is the longing for Swamiji and his grace that unleashes this slushy mix of tears. smiles and snot every time that is oddly the closest I have been to loving someone without lust, fear of rejection or the burden of expectations ( working on this) . Every time I hear a beautiful Bollywood melody professing love and longing, it makes me think of my Guru, however inappropriate that may sound. While I am totally bought into the idea that this is love in its purest from it is still transactional on my part as I am constantly petitioning Swamiji with wants and desires and all kinds of petty stuff. Yet it is the only relationship in my life where I am able to let go of the I me mine agenda longing to melt and dissolve in the effulgence and radiance of my Guru. I am determined to  make this the affair of many lifetimes now that I have found my Guru.