My Struggle with Forgetting and Forgiving Myself

I got introduced to molestation when I was 9 or 10 years old. I was a kid or not; I don’t know. I am 24 years old, and I still cannot forgive myself. Yeah, you read it right; I cannot forgive myself. Ok, let the story decides that.

I was just 9 or 10 years old when the very close person in the house molested me. I did not know what the hell that was but somewhere, I knew it was wrong. But you know I am too kind even to protect myself. So, when my maternal grandmother came to know about that, you know what she did? She just said I would give you a current if you tell this to anyone. Then chapter closed. Now I don’t know what I could do. That person told my grandmother I was taking RS—10 for allowing him to do that. Oh, Mann, I had no clue at that time he would use that for this purpose.

So, after that incident, I never spoke about that to anyone. When I was in 11th, I shared that with one of my school teachers; she was numb. She asked me to take help in the case again happened, but I told u I was too kind to protect myself. That person returned an excellent gift to my grandmother for her kindness. My grandmother gave him a place at her home just because he used to come from another village to open a shop and did that.

I hate that person, and I hate myself. He kind of ruined my life. I was a topper in the school, and my mind was focused, but after that incident, I was not that riya. I was not focusing on my studies; instead, I was focusing on that thing. 

Now, after so many years of sitting alone, I blame myself and that person. I feel like a prostitute sometimes. When anything happens to you like this, please share and take help. You are the luckiest on the planet if you get help initially, so you will not need to live that for your whole life.

Parents must understand that instead of hurting their kids, please throw that person out of the house if they want to see their kids happy.  

I wish she could have slapped me on that day and hugged me. I just wish…

I don’t blame that person as much as I do myself. If I could have taken a stand then, I could not be this today. I am trying to forget and forgive myself, but I am unable to do. I hope with grace, I will be able to do.

Keep smiling,

Thank you,

Riya Om

PS: Thank you medha ma’am. You are taking me back and helping me to heal. Thank you 🙂