My Struggle with Standing Up for Myself

I have struggled for a long time to stand up for myself. I know this very well and every time I think about it, I go into deeper stages of guilt. Now, I struggle with guilt as well. The guilt of letting that incident go, a few months ago. Such incidents kept repeating and I felt like a dumb helpless being watching them all laugh at me while I felt a rage inside.

They are my close friends, the ones I hang out with every day. One of them likes to take a dig at people and laugh about it. I have observed this pattern with everybody else this person interacts with. Initially, everyone lets it go, thinking it’s fun banter. But it continues, it fuels the person’s ego and it keeps on coming. There is a fine line between mocking and bullying. I see that line blurring many times with this person.

This friend started calling me names, I had done nothing to grab any attention. I did not act against them or mocked them. I had no interaction whatsoever with this friend about this one incident. All I did was say No to their plans one time because one of my neighbors asked me to join them for dinner at short notice. I had no prior plans of going out so I said Yes. Now, this friend called me much later in the day and asked me to come over for dinner. I declined politely saying that I said yes to my neighbor. This simple incident triggered the ego in this person out of the blue and they snapped at me and abruptly disconnected the call. We had met just the day before and they never said of any plans for the following day. 

I have the free will to do whatever I want at any time, without worrying about what others think of my actions which do not relate to them at all. I know this behaviour pattern for a long. I used to be in close proximity to this friend for a year and I had struggled for a long time to say No whenever I was forced to take part in any random plans, any time and day of the week. Can you imagine how counterproductive such frequent trips can be? I used to work remotely and was always at home. This led to a belief in my friend’s head that I can step out any time of the day and nobody would be chasing me at work. Well, this was one of the benefits of working from home and I could take advantage of it occasionally. I never intended to make that into a habit and ignore my work. 

Due to such repeating incidents when I was not heard and my work and say was taken very lightly, I used to hold a lot of anger in me for the times that I ignored my work and stepped out for an impromptu plan. Such plans were only happening when this person felt like going out for a ride and would convince the whole group to stop doing whatever they are into and just say Yes to the plan. It would waste the entire evening and sometimes continue till late in the night. We would come back home to undone chores, work and study. Everyone felt guilty but said nothing, because we had lots of fun hanging out, driving around and exploring. Such things are shallow half the time. I was desperate to break from this toxic pattern of not having a say about my own plans for the day and eventually the whole week and month! It felt like somebody else is steering the wheel of my life. 

I decided to move out by the end of the lease and separate from this group dynamics. I could never talk about the real issue as having a serious face-to-face conversation was equivalent to breaking the group and bringing unnecessary tension. I moved out and now live away from all of them. Though they are my friends, I do not like to spend all my time in their company, I do not feel appreciated and taken seriously in their presence. This person has influenced my closest of close friends and they act as one unit now. The 4th person left town and remains my confidant in this matter. 

Even though I keep a distance from this person’s regular presence and forceful dominating behaviour, I am not spared of passive aggression and constant mockery. I don’t like being called names, nobody does. I tried saying clearly that don’t do it again but this person would go another step further and continue the name-calling. I don’t know how to stop this for good.