Out of Shadows

This is my 100th post on os.me. No Sadhana experience or insights today, it’s different. But it’s not easy to write this one, neither physically nor mentally. Physically, my left hand is still in the process of healing. As I use my fingers to type this, the upper side of my palm hurts. But no excuses today for not writing this. It needs to happen. Mentally, it’s a very different piece because there are 2 types of people who will be reading this :

• Those who won’t be surprised. This includes anyone who knows that I write, any member of os.me, etc.
• Those who will be surprised. This includes my family and anyone who doesn’t know about my writing on os.me.

Isn’t it strange, the present moment? I am writing this in Present. This will be published in Present. It’s link will be uploaded on Whatsapp status in Present. It is being read in Present. Everything is happening in present moment, yet everything is not simultaneous. And this very present will one day become past. I am just seeing this, witnessing it.

When I was in probably 9th-10th standard, i.e, around 5-6 years ago, I got this desire – blogging. I would imagine the feeling of myself writing blogs. At that time, there were not much resources. For example, before covid, there was no android device in our house. We used a sim and a 3g-Dongle for internet, even internet usage was limited. Everything changed after covid. (Seriously, covid has played a great role in digitalization 😄!). In 2020, as half of you know, Swami took the big decision and launched the Karma Program. And by divine grace, I could start writing from 11 March, 2021. (Life Lesson- Dream big, someday, you may get to live your dream. Whatever you seriously wish for, ever merciful nature will arrange it for you in some way. More on this some other day.)

Coming back to topic. So I started writing posts. No-one in my family and friend circle (except that one best friend) knew about me writing posts on os.me. It remained hidden. It was a part of big picture and I don’t have any regret for that. At that time, I was overflowing and it just required an outlet. And in June, 2021, I left writing to focus on my Sadhana. When I look at the posts written last year, I feel like laughing on them. There’s a childishness in them and I really feel that the ones I wrote after March 2022 are much better than those. (And that’s how we all start, learn and evolve, isn’t it?) And here’s the problem- in the present, I feel completely detached to whatever has happened in life, I feel detached to past. Much has changed over the past months. Especially the first post. I no longer feel the old me. It’s very new now. And it’s taking me some time to absorb the new ways and my new self. The past is just like a dream. So I often feel quite strange and weird when I interact with someone who is looking at my past self.

A few months ago, Devi told me that now the time has come to let it go. It took me quite some time to persuade my mind for this. The mind, who is like a kid, was afraid. Why afraid? That’s the thing about fear- our fears are always baseless and pointless. The best way to deal with fear is to face it head on. Facing this in reality one time is far better than facing it every day in mind.

Before going to sleep one day, I created a mental vow, “I will let it go in the 100th post.” Now this has been one of the effects of sadhana developing intense concentration that if I genuinely wish for something, it happens in due time. In mid-April, frustrated by my irregularity, I once wrote on a piece of paper that I would do a particular set of exercises till 31st May. For the first time ever, I was able to stick to work-out and followed it even when I was tired. What I wrote in that paper manifested and became reality. So when I decided, my mind knew that now he’s not going to stop. So it tried it resist in other ways. Although I had topics to write, my mind would often as if go on a strike and not cooperate in penning it down. Writing the last few posts was really hard-work, especially after entering 90s. But finally, what is bound to happen and needs to happen is happening and I trust universal intelligence that it is happening as it should be.

I don’t know what will happen, but life is uncertain and it teaches us to accept and embrace uncertainty and dissolve our false sense of control. Every passing moment feels strange. This is my leap of faith. I let go and accept what comes. Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst. I remember that verse from Gita,

समत्वं योग उच्यते

Equanimity is called Yoga

To,

Dear Bhavika, Ma and Papa,

I write posts on os.me and also on medium as a part of Sanatana Dharma publication. I don’t know how you feel about this, but I am sorry for the times which hurt you. I am sorry I kept all this hidden but that was what felt best at that moment. I respect and love you all  for each and every thing. Not good at expressing love but still eternally grateful to you all 💕 …

To,

Os.me and Lovely readers,

It was great to reach this milestone. Thank you all, for this beautiful experience.💕

Meet you all in the next post (I have no idea when that comes 😛 !)

Love, light and Peace💕

Photo by Kid Circus on Unsplash