Prem-rog-4

This is part 4. For other parts : Part 1 __ Part 2 __ Part 3

So, seeds of end were sown in winter vacation of class 9th (2016-17). We would sometimes talk on phone, I using my mother’s and she using one of her friend’s. One day, I asked her friend about where she lived. She didn’t remember house no. but told me the area and some landmarks. It was somewhere around my Nani’s home. In winter vacation, when I visited my nani, after playing with my younger sister and two younger cousins a lot, I said I was getting bored and took my mother’s permission to go for a walk so that I may get better knowledge of area. She agreed. I started moving in direction where I could find her home. I went into unknown streets and paths I had never seen (तेरी गलियाँ, गलियाँ तेरी गलियाँ ! 😅). I finally found her home, confirmed myself by checking surname on name plate and returned home. It took about 1-1.5 hour and I had walked about more than 4km as her home was at least 2km away from my nani’s ! Now, in about first week of January 2017, when winter vacation was going to end, I asked my mother in evening to go for cycling far away in name of “Jodhpur भ्रमण”. Her home was 5-6km away from mine. I headed for her home. It was time for her tution. So, I reached before time and got to meet her. But not for long as she feared the jaasus aunties 😅. I returned home. That day she called me and surprisingly asked how I found her home. We talked a little. Now, this conversation was time bomb. Wondering how? Actually, the automatic phone call recorder was on and I had known this. When I first saw it on a few days, I didn’t turn it off because I wanted my mother to know about this and I didn’t have the courage to tell her. Before this bomb blasted, there was a mini bomb. Her brother came to know about us and even talked to me on phone. He said you are kids, focus on your studies, think about all this after you grow up. We both agreed to wait for a few years. A day or two had passed and time bomb blasted.

It was evening time, my mother heard that audio, sent my sister to study and questioned me. Well, I loved my mother very much, and I told her about our affair. She was shocked, very angry and in tears. I was in tears. She said, “sapne me bhi nhi soocha that tu aisa karega”, “mat bol ma mujhe”, “papa ko pata chal gaya to ghar we nikal deenge”, “hamari parvarish me hi koi kami rah hai hogi”.”, etc. Somehow her mother also came to knew. And this was THE END. She blamed me a lot.  I had to listen a lot from her when we met in school. 

At that time, I was completely shattered, heart-broken, exhausted, emotionally burnt. I was filled with guilt, anger, worries and grief. I was dragging with life just to complete my duties towards my family, this was what I had learnt from Gita. My mother behaved very rudely and sometimes shot arrows of poisonous words which pierced my wounded heart.( No matter how she treated me, even she doesn’t know that she is one of the greatest factors of my spiritual journey ☺️) I was left alone in world. I could not share it with my bestie as I had promised her. 

In such condition, there was just one who held me. No prizes for guessing it was none other than my Mahadev😊😀 The thread which held the one rudraksh bead in my neck was my lifeline. That bead has been a witness to my anger, love, worries, success, failures, everything. At night sometimes I would imagine sleeping in his lap, I really felt he was beside me. I would weep and sob in silence. After the time bomb had blasted, within a few days, I kept my right hand on the Shivlinga, which is placed in a pot with palm plant, and took a vow that I would never ever stop. I would never ever stop making attempts in moving ahead. I was full of flaws, but I surrendered myself at his feet completely as he accepted everyone. The small plant of shiv bhakti started growing. Day by day I moved closer to Shiva. In 10th, love and devotion for him started coming from within. I don’t remember when he became my guru (I feel he was teaching from a long time 😀). By 12th, intensity of love for him increased too much☺️. Now I need to control myself otherwise this post will turn from prem-rog to shiv-yog 😛.

In 11th, she took commerce, I took science and our ways diverged. In 12th, probably in December 2019, she approached me in a games period in ground. That day she blamed me and poured all her anger and suppressed emotions on me for about more than 30-40min. I listened silently, didn’t argue, accepted everything. This was what Shiva had taught me. This was the conclusion.

Do I still love her? Yes and no. No because I don’t love anyone in the form of attachment. Yes, because I love everyone for same divine is present at everyone’s core. Shiva has filled me with compassion now I can’t hate anyone ☺️. Traces of some negativity in thoughts still disturb me sometimes, but overall I am trying to improve myself each day. 

I am left with a gentle smile on my face as I recall all those memories with Shiva ☺️. Love for him transcends all other emotions.