Self Destructive Tendencies -the Dark Phase

Whenever we are moving towards foul endings in conversations , especially in couples, we somewhere know where it is headed. Its just that when you are inside that experience its hard to draw that line where you are having that experience but you are also aware of having that experience, its that phase when you are reacting to what the person is saying but simultaneously watching yourself reacting to them. 

It takes a certain level of energy and I have personally felt that when I do this for long periods it tires me out. Recently I had small mishap in the form of an accident , nothing major though, but in that whole experience of inability to move, inability to work, it  triggered the subconscious patterns of feeling helpless and subdued. On the top of that if you don’t get the care you expect from your partner your own mind starts having a mental argument:

‘off-course he is busy with work and personal projects, money is all he cares for’ 

‘ya but maybe there is some urgent work today’ 

‘today of all days? and is it the first time that this has happened?’

‘I am a fool for believing his words’ so on and so forth.

These long mental arguments are not only draining but also disempowering and strangest part of it all is this whole exercise is happening ‘in your own head’.

So during that weak phase my mind went into pessimistic helpless victim mode and just resigned altogether, said things it should not have.

I had long read books on the subject of mindfulness but its only now that I am feeling the depth of it.

It might seem farfetched but I can from my own experience say that everytime I say something that leads to hurt feelings, I do that while not being mindful of my words.

Everytime I have long mental arguments in my own head, I am not mindful

Everytime I get angry I am not mindful.

Moreover when I practice concentrative meditation in morning then even if I fail countless times to actually concentrate while trying to do it, which I do, I have a slightly more mindful day.

Mindfulness during the day is directly proportional to my ability to concentrate.

And why did I write this post in the middle of a workday? I did what swamiji teaches us to do when we are feeling negative and down. He said when you are negative ‘do something creative’ because a creative mind automatically becomes positive. Thankyou swamiji.

Thanks for reading.

Hope it was helpful.

Jai shri hari

image credit: pixabay