Self-Realization – Failures and Lessons

I want to be self-realized in this lifetime. In fact, I want to be self-realized right now as I am writing this article.

And yet, here I am, still wondering why self-realization has evaded me thus far. I’ve had glimpses and insights, but nothing has taken me all the way. This article is an attempt to list down possible reasons:

1. Endless Desires:

Simply put, this is the number one reason why I think I’m still caught in this net. I want self-realization, but I also want career progression. I want self-realization but I also want security (emotional and material). I want self-realization, but I also want to be acknowledged for my spirituality.
All along, my search for Truth/Self-Realization/Enlightenment has been just one more desire in my sea of desires. I want the Truth but I want it along with a million other things.

2. Concentration:

“Be Still and Know that I am God”  The experience/knowing of these words was the closest I have come to realising the enlightened state this year, and yet a lack of concentrative focus took me away from this delight within 10 seconds of being in it.

My concentration levels are very weak. Even when I find myself in a state of stillness, the mental energy gets dissipated too quickly to bring about any transformational change. So I am left with only glimpses and reasonings and nothing concrete.

3. Knowledge/Information :

I have received too much information about Self-Realization/Enlightenment. This has posed a problem for me because I am always boxing spiritual experiences into my conceptual understanding of Enlightenment. A concept, no matter how profound, is still limited because it is born, sustained and killed in mind. The more I do a theoretical study of Enlightenment, the greater the number of conceptual boxes I find myself holding. But The Infinite cannot be put into any finite boxes.

How do I unlearn what I know? I have not found an answer to this question.

4. Fear:

This is one aspect where I have made good progress (since I wrote this article: https://os.me/short-stories/fear-of-enlightenment/ ).

Confronting my own mortality on a daily basis helped me overcome this fear since I realized that the fear of enlightenment is intertwined with the fear of death. Is the fear gone completely? I can’t say for sure but I know I am a lot stronger now.

As I looked back at 2022, I realized I have progressed a lot since the start of the year in many aspects of life, including spirituality. But what is spiritual progress? For that matter, what is Enlightenment anyway? ❤️