Staying mindful

I believe even small incidents have the potential to provide meaningful insights if we chose to carefully observe and reflect on them and their ramifications.

A week or so back, I accompanied my wife to our family doctor. The matter was not urgent or critical. It was about annual checks she needed to get done. Also, she needed a consult on a harmless polyp that was an inconvenient hindrance. The young doctor, surprisingly donning new hair and a chubby bodily mass, was a student of my wife, a passionate yoga teacher. Post health diagnosis, and related recommendations, the conversation veered towards good health and you-guessed-it, yoga. Besides her expressions of progress on the teaching front, my wife spoke highly about my focused and consistent yoga routine. Slightly embarrassed, I could not help beam slightly. I glowingly narrated some benefits and beamed even more.

Back at home, when my wife showed me another larger polyp, which she did not divulge to the young doctor for personal reasons, I grimaced and looked away, unable to watch closely the fleshy ungainly lump. I suggested it best be taken out when we visit the surgeon for the first.

These commonplace happenings would not have deserved second thought but for what was to come next.

My good health and happiness turned turtle the following morning. A sudden affliction via a fleshy outgrowth pushed me into deep pain and suffering. My happiness scooted and the stoic yoga mat stood silent in a corner. My obvious guilt could not be assuaged because asanas would exacerbate manifold my pain, so I thought. Or I simply was not brave.

For the next few days, the pain became central in my life. I became withdrawn, moody, angry and the pain reverberated its existence all day long. They say, meditate on pain. Sensing an opportunity, I tried and failed miserably. The respite would come, I kept telling myself. As I lay in bed or loitered aimlessly in the house, mindful of scorching pain, I was strangely reminded of Ramakrishna’s last days; of Swamiji crying in the Himalayan wild yearning for Her vision and of my father’s excruciating pain fighting cancer. It was NOT LIFE THREATENING OR LIFE DEFINING I told myself scathingly. It was momentary in comparison and monumentally less painful. Yet there I was with these crazy thoughts. Since I rely on home/ayurvedic remedies for non-critical illnesses, the pain was bound to persist and torment. No option but to try to grin and bear it.

And then there were questions. Why did this happen? From where did it come when I had no prior history of ill health or pain of such magnitude? Was this bad karma? Can’t be? Did I gloat when my wife spoke highly in front of the doctor? Should I have not thanked her in return, since she pushed me deeper into yoga? Was my empathy not deep enough? Was I loving enough to genuinely care for my wife’s affliction? Should I not have just expressed it to her or maybe just felt it deep within for love’s sake? Was the fleshy outgrowth induced by mother nature a generous tell-tale sign for me to acknowledge; to stay humble, kind and loving, at all times? Am I overimagining, pushed by the pain? 

Maybe suffering is justified to sense the answers even if they are not well-formed or definite. The mysteries of karma boomeranging on seemingly innocuous daily happenings are just that – a mystery but worth a thought and more. No one can offer me any convincing answers. It is for me to grapple and learn its many ways. Goodness howsoever it results is beneficial anyways. Karma and its manifestations are inexplicable yet critical for my spiritual journey. So I think. Maybe you think so too.