Strange but Real

Most of the time, some strange feelings knock. Do you ever feel whatever you are doing is not what you want to do? Truth be told, in my case, I feel that way most of the time. Here I am not talking about goals or dreams. Instead, I am just talking about small things which create feelings of huge guilt. For instance, when you want to say ‘no’ to your friend and resist calling him/her, but you speak anyway because you don’t want to hurt that person. Sometimes we want to just be alone but we are afraid to say ‘no’ to others. Actually, these things happen with most of us. We try to balance everything around us but we fail to do so.
Honestly speaking, I have been lacking self-discipline for over a month now and the list of my excuses are endless (more than you can ever imagine). I don’t understand why we are not doing what we actually want to do. I think I can be loyal towards my words but when it comes to a point where I face the actual situation, I ignore everything that I stand for. For example: When I know some people are speaking to me nicely because of hidden agenda/some benefit, instead of securing myself, I give them the chance to take advantage of me and my situation. Even at nights, sometimes at 2 am I am wide awake and I am thinking about what kind of person I am becoming and whether this is the kind of person I want to become. It is the most difficult question but answering this question is not easy. This question haunts me even during night.
At the time when we need to smile, we cry and at the times we need a cry, we fake a smile. We have expertise in faking our emotions and feelings, hence we have forgotten the meaning of real emotions. Sometimes we feel alone and sometimes we want to be alone. When we are with so many people, we feel like going somewhere and spending time with ourselves and when we are alone, we want someone to hold us.
I don’t understand this term “feelings”. We all feel this way but rarely think about it or speak out loud. I would love to hear from you – “Which strange feelings, do you feel in your life or in a day?”
I infer that because of these strange feelings, we look alive. If we are devoid of these feelings, I cannot imagine how a person would look? I think that person would no longer be called a person in that case.
Thank you,
Keep smiling,
Riya Om