Taming the Raging Bull

Over the years my mind has been bombarded with so much glitter that it’s hard to see the light. I absorb everything that comes my way without filters or much of a thought. I see so much every day; the forgotten elderly, the shiny new cars, the mumbling mad lady at the corner of the road, palatial homes with no soul, a pregnant cat hiding under a car, children playing in a garden, a lonely man selling fruits at the signal, lady with big diamond earrings with hollow eyes. I see them all and then I see myself in them. I am lonely, I am broken, I am alive, I am happy – I am leading all these different lives trapped in one body as I am juggling balls trying to stay afloat feeling the sun may not shine ever again.

I struggle with reigning my mind that runs like a raging bull gunning for the invisible finishing line. My mind understands everything and yet it loves wandering onto remote corners of unexplored depths of my soul. Emotions always rule in my world. My mind is an entity on its own and trying to tame it is like teaching my husband to make round chapatis. Every promise I make to myself is dissolved immediately when my mind takes over.

I sit and marvel at how my mind systematically breaks down my resolve to chant, to workout, to eat healthy and turns me into a weak-minded middle-aged lady in an instant. Everything that I construct is torn down brick by brick. I muster enough courage to try again and again only to be bought down to my knees.

As I sit to chant, I see images of my life and unfinished tasks that need tending at that very minute. Halfway through I feel my body wanting to get up and go for a walk. I just can’t sit still. After telling myself repeatedly that sugar is no good for me, I see my resolve melting in dark chocolate lava cake. I sob when I see something emotional. I am happy at the site of newborn kittens. My mind decides when to reward me and when to bring me down. Not a happy place to be in. 

It’s not that I am not disciplined in all areas of my life. I am super house proud, and my house runs like a clockwork. My cats are happy and well taken care of. I look after my husband’s keto diet with enthusiasm of child discovering Lego for the first time. I do so much for everyone that I forget my own self.

So why is it that when it comes to myself, I fall behind? Why is it that I can be disciplined towards the needs of others and ignore all my needs?

I am sure a therapist could point out many reasons – lack of self-worth or self-love, childhood issues, people pleaser personality. I know it all. But unfortunately, I don’t possess the key to the Shangri La to unlock the hidden wisdom.

So here I am again – trying to be better, do better, feel better and make more reasonable choices. I take each day as it comes so that I am not overwhelmed by the flood of emotions. I eat healthy today, I try to chant today, I write 1000 words today. I take one day at a time. The key word to focus on is TODAY!

Tomorrow is another story.

A new life.

A new choice.

A new me.