The Chaos and Confusions…

Jai Shri Hari, dear family. For so many days, I have been wondering what to write! I was not finding any words and also I was confused. In one of my posts, I think I made it clear that I am not a writer or a poet. I always need a kick in my heart to start writing something; otherwise, most of the time I am a failure.

I thought I would come up with something on Guru Purnimabut, but that kick did not set in. So I left again. Hopefully I read posts and I do feel and enjoy them very much. Now coming to the point. By the grace of Pujya, Ever-shining and The Divine Swami ji, I got the opportunity.

I attended both the Zoom meetings held on 24th and 25th July. On 25th, it was very different.Though I am not allowed to share all the things, I can only tell that the Zoom meet was full of miracles. I was in a different space. I am sure every one of us must have felt the same. The whole day I was in that bhav.

The problem starts after that. Like Swami ji says, in meditation, after some time, you will be distracted. It happens with me, no wonder. I am an actor by profession. You all know. It is something you are not in real life and yet you have to act that on screen. It all means you have to realise and understand a character and have to act like that. So moral of the story — all lies have to resemble truth. I must say that we all play human characters, emotions on the stage. Sometimes it is exaggerated. But then that is the job.

The problems I face…

• Most of the time I feel I am standing at a crossroads 
• Because of the spiritual path I have decided to walk, I face a mental challenge while on set working
• Grace and divine feelings have transformed me and the transformation is going on
• But sometimes the seven deadly sins still knock at my door
• I try to fight with them…
• Sometimes I win, and sometimes they win
• When they win I feel  devastated..I feel scared.
• As Beloved  Prabhu ji  (teary-eyed I am confessing) says, if you allow yourself to get distracted, your effort will again go vain and again, it will be a fall from the spiritual path
• So again I feel frustrated and broken and lost for some time. I scold myself and again  I start.
• After so many times, I tell myself that I won’t get angry. I do get angry in different circumstances. I think anger is my worst enemy.
• Sometimes (rarely), I feel for physical desire. Most of the time, I never feel… But it comes like a ghost and haunts… I think it intentionally comes to ruin my sadhna and journey..
• Sometimes, I feel jealous of people who are more refined in sadhna ,or in education, or in sports… I am none of them and that makes me sad. Thankfully, I understood now that I did not choose to be a sportsperson or an extremely educated person. I feel safe that for sadhna there is time for me which I am doing…
• I feel disturbed sometimes because my ego tells me I am better and hence I deserve more in profession, yet I did not get.. So I realise that I have an ego also which is not good in spiritual path.
• I am attached to some particular emotions… especially dogs. That is why I brought Wally despite knowing that he won’t live long. I mean, one day he will leave me and go, and I will cry very badly… Still I crave for my puppy…
• Also, I am attached to many things… I can survive without them…

Sometimes I see myself as a monk, and I feel relaxed, and I feel I will be one day, despite all these distractions in my life.

Among all the things, I feel the most challenging is to fight your inner demon. On this journey of self-realisation, it is itself a journey. 

I pray Master to kill my inner demons by His grace, blessings, and power. He will make me a worthy child. I will be pure and Divine like Him.

I am grateful to OS family members and their highly transformational posts full of truths of life. I salute them. I am proud of them. I am very lucky that they are in my life, and it is all possible because of Master.  I LOVE YOU PRABHU JI  FOR EVERYTHING…