The Demon Inside You

My salutations to Guru ji. for whom only we are united. Infinite flowers at your feet Master. Thank you for being there with us, with me. May you always be happy and healthy . 

                                                       So the other day I came back from shoot at around 11pm .I was  tired and restless. I just wanted to take a nice bath, have some time with wally and then start my sadhana. But as soon I parked my vehicle inside the garage,, the security guard came to me and told me that the particular person has kept his bullet in my two wheeler parking place .Flash back… the same person who does not stay in our apartment had done this already. It is not a rule that if you an outsider you can put your vehicle at other person’s garage. So this time also that man became adamant and again doing this. I got furious .Suddenly   I became very angry at that man and called the supervisor. The reason for my anger…

1. I was tired and restless.
2. My plan failed.

Previously I encountered that the same man was a bit pervert..(I just watched his body language and the way he looked) So that’s it. It was enough to fuel my anger. And the matter sorted out the next morning. Another point was that subconsciously I also felt that since there is no male member in my house , both my brother and father stays outside , people might feel we are vulnerable and being women we can not fight for all and everything. Any way.. why I am writing this.. ?I realized after that moment that what went with my meditation? What went with my chanting? Does it mean I have failed somewhere?????I encountered the same anger and loss? For a moment I felt lost .. I was surprised? Is there no spiritual development? I do not know. Still a long way.. Will something change in this life? Will I be more transformed??? Waiting for that time.

                                                            Well , today my post was not only about my feeling. I was talking about anger and anger in a deeper sense. And I picked up an example of a serial killer or so we call them by that name. O ne of them was Jeffery Dahmer. I really took interest in his life. Before that let me be honest with you. I take interest with their mind. I was always curious to know about them though it needs a thorough study of psychology and study of the brain as a doctor.. I am not any of them. I just want to share it without any judgement and without comparing good and evil.   As they say ..it all starts with mind… and sometimes your inner and outer circle.

                                                          So Jeffery was an American citizen born in 1960 in Milwaukee to a rich parent. . His father was a research chemist. His childhood was not ugly as one can say. Both the parents loved him . But things changed when they got separated. Jeff became lonely .He was shy, introvert.  Also he was insecure about his sexuality when he found out later that he was gay. I am not going to the details .Apparently Jeff killed almost 17 young boys who were all gay and most of them were blacks. But he later denied that it was because of racism. He used to cut them in to pieces, kept their skulls and bones in the freezer and sometimes he also ate their flesh and drank blood.

                                                             What was thoughtful was his confession. He told that he never hated any of his victim. I t was just that he wanted to control them. He wanted that no one should leave him and go like his parents. He just felt to be controlled. He just made his own world. ,Defense experts said that Dahmer was insane due to his necrophilic drive- his compulsion to have sexual relation with corpses .He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,  psychotic disorder and schizotypal disorder. However prosecution argued that at the time of crime Dahmer was completely sane. He knew it was wrong but yet he did it. Dahmer said he wanted to know why he is like that. he said there were times when he tried to kill this compulsion, he even went to church, he prayed, but nothing worked out. He was unable to stop that  tendency. 

I really felt sad and pity for Jeff. Well , there were several serial killers. Today my post is not meant to make Jeffery ,  a hero.. but I think why it is like that? I remember Swamiji  told we all want to control. we all want to do things according to us and we all expect the same thing from other person. That day I also wanted things to happen according to me. I could have sorted out the matter calmly but instead anger gulped me. Anger is so powerful.  Why I gave the example of Jeffery Dahmer  is not because I want to highlight his life and his pain , I just feel anger can devastate anything and everything. My love and prayer is there for the victim’s family. I wish no one should be born like this.  I wish all of us to overcome anger  and wish all of us to be calm. 

                                                           Jai Shri Hari..