The Eternal Wait for Shiva

Note: This is a first person narrative series and does not make claims of any sort.

“So, finally! we get to see this mystery king you chose! You never told us anything other than that he is an emperor; We are so eager to see him,” said a very excited group of young princesses with whom I spent my childhood running and playing around when I was not worshipping him.

I try to answer them back, but I could not really speak. I am just smiling, shying away. Memories gushing back, memories that don’t seem like they belong to this lifetime. Of us being together, and watching the infinite universe unfold right in front of our eyes. Roaming around in forests, caves, and mountains in bliss. Nothing tangible, but blurry like dreams in pieces. But still, every time I thought about him, my blood seemed to catch fire, burning every cell of my body along with it. In my head, I saw this very unique being, for his face keeps changing between a bull and a Man, I remembered his voice, and I remembered him paying obeisance to me in Kailash. It was almost like being caught in a time spiral like my soul was confused between my previous life and this one. Were they really memories? Or was I just daydreaming?

I know a lot of brides get cold feet before their wedding day, but I wonder how many are like me, almost drunk in love. So drunk that I keep slipping into this trance and having the hardest time keeping track of reality. My gaze turns to the mirror, and I am astonished to see my own Swaroopa. Is that really me? The handmaidens have done a really beautiful job!

The beautiful red and golden saree sure knew how to drape itself around me as if it was only made for me. Showing the tiniest inch of my waist along the tender curves, pleats beautifully folded and tucked away right in the middle while adorned with a heavy waist belt. The jewelry was from another realm, I thought, when I finally gained a little grasp of what was going on. Being born to a king, I had seen and worn astonishing jewelry all my life. Like a pampered princess, I was always decked with the best our jeweler could find, but these were something else. I have never seen such pieces in my whole life! Especially the Nath, a little nose stud made of emerald, fresh green in color but such exquisite beauty that I could not take my eyes off it. And then, at once, I knew why these were different! It had come from the Narayani herself.

A few years ago, just after I had completed a long sadhana, she had come to me in a dream wearing the exact same jewellery and had told me that it was for my special day. I mentally bowed down to her. But despite the exotic diamonds, rubies, and pearls, it was the glow on my face that caught all my attention. I knew at once that I shining more than Surya Bhagwan because of being in samadhi, not just today but from the day I saw him in that cave.

Apparently, I was not the only one astonished by my own radiance. My Mother, the queen, entered my chambers and gasped with delight. She asked my handmaidens for the secret behind my glow; she wanted to reward the person behind making my skin glow so much and also wanted the product for herself as well as my sisters. But the handmaidens replied in a very assuring tone that they had nothing to do with it. In fact, the glow was so radiant and divine that they had just applied a tiny red Bindi on my forehead and Kohl to my eyes, but left the rest of my face as it was.

Only I knew who it was! But I was enjoying the bhakti and love so much that I did not feel like getting out of that zone despite all the merriment and celebrations around; I was happy being lost on my own. Suddenly, one of my handmaidens came near me with golden bangles embedded with red rubies and gently slipped them onto my wrists with the slightest clinking. And then she took my henna-painted hands in hers and said, “The color of your henna is astonishing, Choti bai ji, and you have hidden the name very well, but I caught it; it’s right here” I stopped her with an effort to hide my smile, just when she was about to take his name. Not only could I not take his name but also, I could not hear it from someone else as well without drowning in shyness. I could already feel the warmth spreading.

“They are almost here; it will hardly take another few minutes; please check the arrangements,” announced my excited and nervous mother.

To be continued…